As always, as has been our tradition for thousands of years, we welcome you with a heartfelt show of warm and an overflowing bounty of human kindness. Each and every one of those hearts was personally picked by one of our midrange lower-range personal assistants to one of the personal assistant of one of the Chief Executive Officer’s hand-picked second-tier third-secretaries, and so you can be certain that our wealth of caring went into each and every one. Just the wealth of caring, though. The rest of it, rest assured, is maintained safely in our vaults.
We look forward to bringing each and every one of you closer to our eternal dream of success: eating TWO hearts at once with nobody stopping you. Actually, that’s surprisingly easy; nobody here cares at all. But we do intend to help you with the real problem which confronts all of us today: ultimate dominion over this Universe, plus any other Universe which appears to look promising and makes the mistake of getting in our way.
As many of you know, we conquered this and ever other possible Multiverse thousands of years ago, and this Expo is your single remaining chance to curry favor with beings whose powers we cannot begin to comprehend, beings who have TWO executive parking spaces even though, technically, they can only drive one at a time.
And as many of the rest of you know, Dominion is a constant struggle between our assorted forces of those of Goodness, Light, Sanity and Moderation which stand in our way.
How can they both be true? It’s a complex Universe, my dear friends and enemies.
But through it all, Evil Expo is here to equip you with the tools, the contacts, the advanced nanotechnological devices, and the networking you need to fight your battles for dominance and come out ahead, or at least ahead of the poor fools who DIDN’T sign up for this Expo.
We wish all of you good fortune, a wealth of experience, and sufficient savvy to keep robbing the Galactic Banks so you can afford to come back.
Let us, as totally normal human beings who are surely not mutants, space aliens, malevolent forces given shape, demons, tax auditors, monsters that hide in the closet, monsters that hide under the bed, and, in general, creatures whose very existence would end human “sleep” as we know it if only they knew we were even vaguely real—let’s go forth and party, gentlebeings! Because you only live ten or fifty or a hundred times before they forget who you are and you retreat into the shadows to regroup and, hopefully, buy tickets again. In the meantime:
A toast to excellence, hard work, knowledge, and excessively criminal activity! Dark blessings upon you all, and to each and every one of you we wish an absolutely unfair advantage. We’ll help you acquire it. You go forth and use it as you see fit; we’ll duck and run like blazes.