Some Things At Which Faeries Are Excellent

10.      Horseless carriages. Okay, technically, if you have Faerie eyes, they’re not exactly “horseless”, though I’m hesitant to give any other name to those 12-legged abominations. Still: if you want a good car at a good price, see a Faerie. In fact, if you’ve been seeing good cars at good prices, you’ve probably ALREADY seen Faeries.

9.       Directions. Trust me, if a Faerie doesn’t know how to get somewhere, it’s probably not worth getting to.

Not that I’m advising that you be in said place thereafter. In fact, while the Fae give splendid directions, not everyone feels it’s a good idea to tip them off to any potential destination. At least, not a place you like. Or a place I like.

I recommend telling them “Philadelphia”. Philadelphia deserves it.

8.       Great advice. Ever wondered if you should draw against a straight flush? If you ought to have just one more drink the size of a fishbowl before you get on the road? Faeries have the answer to everything, and the answer is probably “YES!”

The “noooooooooooooooooo!” part comes later.

7.       Vast knowledge. Just ask one of the Fae Circus where the biggest, strongest, most unbelievable things is, and that Fae will put to itself with all three thumbs and say, “Right here!”

6,423,179. Rearranging numbers and stealing words.

Don’t ask.

5.       Magic tricks. “Want to see me disappear?” the Fae will ask. “I need nothing except, perhaps, all of your gold and trinkets.” And suddenly…the being is gone.

4.       Knowing nothing. “I didn’t do it! No-one did it! It didn’t even happen! I’m not even sure what you’re talking about! (To be fair, this is a trick learned from mortals. On the other hand, when mortals say it, it’s sometimes true.)

3.       Understanding of mortality. “We’re all gonna die someday, mortal fool, so meanwhile, dance and sing while you still can!”

2.       Musicality. After just a few Faerie Cocktails, everything they howl is perfectly in tune.

1.       Domestication. Of course the wild elves can be domesticated, same as wolves. You merely bring them into your home and, within days (sometimes hours!) all inconvenient walls are down, all staircases lead nowhere, all valuables are in a great big pile, and the Fae is sitting there, saying, “Oh, you’ll never BELIEVE what happened….”


Jeff Mach is just this guy, you know?

You can buy my novel, “I Hate Your Prophecy“, if you really want to. Heck, you could buy my other books, too; I won’t stop you.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.