We understand. It can be a strange, painful, weird, backstabby world out there. We’re Villainpunks; we get it. It’s hard to know, in this Brave New World, who your friends are. So, as a public service, we’ve decided to break it down for you. Because we Villains are nothing if not helpful.
DEAR VILLAINPUNK CREW:
Who are my friends?
YOUR ENEMIES: Nope, sorry. Your enemies are not your friends; they’re you’re enemies. Haven’t you heard the old saying, “The enemy of me is the enemy of me”? It’s quite true.
YOUR FRIENDS: No, no, no! Don’t be ridiculous. What if they’re just pretending to be your friends and are actually your enemies? You can’t take that chance! Take our word: If they’re your friends, they’re probably your enemies.
THE NEUTRALS: No way. Neutrals are just cowardly enemies who are afraid to speak up and declare their true intention. If they’re not WITH you, they’re against you. (And, as noted above, if they ARE with you, they’re probably just pretending to be with you, and they’re actually your enemies.)
THE ENEMIES OF YOUR ENEMIES: Now, this sounds promising, because obviously, these people understand what’s really important in life – namely, having enemies.
Unfortunately, these people are altogether too skilled at the art of enmity. You dare not have them as friends. At most, they can be Allies, but….
ALLIES: It used to be simple: Your allies are your allies. Sometimes, they might betray you, but, as Mario Puzo pointed out, sometimes anyone might betray you.
But now that we have modern cultural technologies, we’ve learned better: your allies are probably either your friends or your enemies. If they’re your enemies, they’re not your friends, and, as previously discussed, if they’re your friends, they’re not your friends.
It’s simple, isn’t it?
THE HEROES: Sorry, the heroes think everyone is a Villain. It’s their basic reason for existing.
THE VILLAINS: We’re not anyone’s friends. However, we do treat each other with mutual courtesy and respect, since none of us wants to get squirted with an acid-boutonniere, or be dumped into a piranha tank. So we’re probably the best you’re going to do.
YOURSELF: Oh, sweet innocent. It’s no surprise to me: you are your own worst enemy.
There’s a plus side, though: the last one is the one you can actually change. There’s a chance! Just ask yourself: “Do I trust myself?”
…if the answer is “No,” then…WELCOME TO VILLAINY!
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.