10. ONCE there were some Elves who were very friendly to everyone who deserved it.
9. The fact that no-one deserved it is a reflection upon everyone except, obviously, the Elves. Those poor Elves went to all the trouble of preparing to be kind to inferior and lesser species, only to find no-one who deserved their generosity. What utter and total tommyrot!
Sorry. We sometimes get just the tiniest bit annoyed at the clumsy discourtesies of our many inferiors.
8. At any rate, those Elves were nice and kind and sweet. In moderation. Where appropriate. And only where appropriate. And when appropriate, and if appropriate. I mean, some people can take constructive criticism, and some people recognize it as a monstrous attack on their individual sovereignty. Constructive criticism is fine if one is, say, negging a Hobbit, but one directs it towards a fellow Elf at peril of one’s nail appointment.
7. Once, they were visited by a great Wizard. They showed him every courtesy and kindness and made it very, very clear to everyone in his party that they were quite a lot smarter than he was. The Wizard simply drank everyone under the table and stole their best horses while everyone was asleep. But that was a different branch of the family, if you know what I mean.
6. “Extreme sarcasm” looks almost exactly identical to “extreme compassion”, if some meddler drinks you under the table before you can reveal what your actual plans were. Jerkwad.
5. Now the Elven Kingdom is on high alert. Every pub, inn, and tavern has been ordered to (temporarily) stop watering down the wine and start (temporarily) even pouring actual whiskey.
4. Not to anyone but Elves, obviously.
3. At any rate, these Elves were very, very nice. They would gladly tutor you in the ancient and learned Elven language so that you could read the poetry they have writte about themselves. It is very beautiful and describes Elven history, ideas, and cheekbones.
Or, if you wanted, these Elves would show you their crafts of woodworking or glassblowing, so that you could see how much better than you they are at it, and understand how you will never be that good, but can be comforted that at least somebody’s that good.
They might even show you their Grand Ball, although you would not be permitted to behold it for more than about seven minutes, as your cloudy mortal eyes can’t behold something so enthralling for very long without your brain (such as it is) exploding from your cranial obtusion.
2. At any rate, the point is, these Elves were excellent.
- You were almost good enough to experience it.
~Jeff Mach
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.
I write books. You should read them!
