A Brief Missive To An Inimical Dullard

Author’s note: While we do not necessarily live in an age of politeness, and while politeness has not always been a hallmark of promoters throughout the ages, I do, in fact, seek to keep relations not just professional, but, if at all possible, amicable, and, preferably, friendly. I have had the extraordinary joy of being friends with many of our performers, vendors, creators, attendees, speakers, venue managers, and others with whom we do business; after all, Jeff Mach Events is out to create fantastic imaginary worlds for incredible weirdos.

However, ever since my Cancellation, certain persons have taken it upon themselves, not to simply avoid me (which is neither kind, nor helpful to their supposed cause; but at least I can understand it) – but rather, to make very active attempts to gaslight me.

Under those circumstances, I feel entirely justified in taking their petty attempts to undermine my sanity and happiness, and transforming them into lovely little bits of dopamine.

Here’s an email I sent today. Despite the fact that I am quite certain that this vendor, in telling their tale of woe, will mention me by my full name, I have redacted their name, as well as the name of their business. Because I don’t need to attempt to bring down a cancel mob upon them; I am a Mad Scientist, not some idiot with a torch and pitchfork.

I am, specifically, a Mad Scientist with access to a keyboard, and the freedom of my own mind; and I’ll choose those weapons over an angry mob any day of the week.


Dear [name of business owner redacted] –

In response to your email stating,

“I have responded several times to these emails that I am not interested in vending any events associated with Jeff Mach. ”

Allow me to assure you that a very thorough check of my inboxes suggests that such an event is unlikely in the extreme. You replied directly to me, which means that you have my correct email address; that my emails are not bouncing; and that had you sent me an email, almost definitely would have received it. Had you sent me ‘several’ such missives, the chances that I would have missed all of them would approach zero.

In fact, all evidence shows that you have most definitely never sent me an email of that nature. There is no evidence of even one such missive in this inbox, my spam folder, my other spam folder, my deleted emails for the past year, my other inbox, or my alternative email account, or the [email protected] account.

So while it’s theoretically possible that you sent an email asking to be removed—in which case, please re-send that email and I’ll forward an apology—

the vastly greater likelihood seems to be that you, for reasons of your own, unknown to me and unexplained to me, changed your mind about applying to our events sometime after your acceptance and, rather than informing us, you first took the ambiguous step of canceling your invoice (something vendors do for numerous reasons, including mistakes in math, uncertainty over booth size, inability to pay at a certain time, etc.)—

and then took the extraordinary step of sending me what is frankly a rather gaslighting email, stating that you have emailed me ‘several’ times, in what appears to be an effort on your own part to create the artificial (and frankly highly distasteful) idea that I would, for unknown reasons, pursue the subject of your vending with us after you said you didn’t want to do so.

I understand that it’s a much more pleasant circumstance to imagine that you have been wronged, and to then attempt to convince the other party to share that ugly little fantasy, than to recognize that your passive-aggressive inactions have led to your receiving significantly greater contact with me than, I presume, you would have preferred.

Allow me to assure you that the length of this missive is not to taunt, tease, or harm you; it is merely to illustrate the degree to which I absolutely, categorically refuse to be manipulated or gaslighted at this time in my life, and I will respond to it, not with foolish hostility or aggression, but with logic, reason, and, frankly a certain level of ironic disdain whose sole purpose is to transmute your attempt at causing me discomfort into an opportunity for me to enjoy the small but significant pleasures of rebuking someone who has shown an odorous hostility.

Furthermore, I might note that you have not even achieved the tiny goal of suggesting that I have said or done something to deserve your unprofessional treatment; you have essentially suggested that my existence is, in and of itself, noxious and painful to you. And while I am not an unkind being, I will note that, under these circumstances, few things could give me greater pleasure than knowing that, apparently, my existence, which I plan to prolong and continue to enjoy, brings unhappiness to you, my mysterious if unimaginative foe.

Now, I can make certain guesses, of course.

The likeliest explanation is that you have decided somewhere in your own mind that I, or my team, or my events, are undesirable for any number of possible thoughtcrimes or other crimes against the groupthink to which you potentially subscribe, and you have chosen a rude method of expressing it, partly because you believe we deserve unkindness, and, again, partly because, if you have an unkind opinion of us, you can raise your status in certain places by suggesting that we have caused you intentional harm when, in fact, the actions you suggest appear to be nonexistent.

I thank you for your time; but I stopped falling for that sort of thing quite some time ago. Either you are fairly rude, in which case, we are fortunate to be devoid of your presence; or you’re trying to gaslight us, in which case, it is my hope you will take this email of disdain as a suitably unpleasant response.

With respect,

Jeff Mach,
Dark Lord

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.