Dearest Goblin friends and allies of the green of skin,
The actual Goblincore website has the PDF AND all the text as plain text. But we wanted to put this out for your pleasure and, we hope, utility.
https://goblincoreguidetolife.com/a-goblincore-guide-to-life-whole-book-for-free/
We decided to release A Goblincore Guide To Life for free. It’s the Goblin thing to do.
This is still the beta version. We haven’t even gone through and taken out all the bits that tell you to buy the book. If you actually want to throw money at Jeff’s other books, you know where to find them.
A lot of people prefer plain text to PDFs. That’s fine. We’ve pasted large chunks below so you can read without downloading anything. But if you want the full, properly formatted book (and the least chaotic reading experience), go get the PDF. That’s the real thing.
From the Prologue & Opening Notes
This really IS a Goblincore guide to life. To be clear, I’m editing it; but it was obviously written by Goblins. Any parts that are incorrect are the responsibility of myself and myself alone, Jeff Mach.
signed,
A. Goblin
Erm.
No, for true: this really IS a Goblincore guide to life. As I’ve been gifted the opportunity to redesign my new life by having my own life trampled into little tiny bits by Trolls (an unpleasant but, in retrospect, fascinating experience; and after they finish arguing, as Tolkien put it, dawn will come and stone will take them all)—I thought I’d write a few pieces about it. They turned into a book.
I wrote all the good bits. A. Goblin basically watched and learned how to do Yo-Yo tricks. I don’t mind; I mostly envy his skills. You know he can do that thing where you whirl a yo-yo around your head while it’s still moving up and down on the string? It was fascinating.
It includes some short stories that are adjacent to Goblin things, as retold by Goblins and their friends. Some pieces of this book have appeared, usually in a slightly different form, on JeffMachWrites and/or my Patreon. I don’t think you’ll mind.
I sometimes wake up in the mornings and just start to write. I go somewhere without Internet, to avoid the temptations of…well, the temptations of the Internet in general.
Whether or not you’ve seen pieces of it, this is the actual, full, self-contained Goblincore Guide To Life.
Or at least it’s one of them. They’re Goblins. I’m sure that even now, there’s someone writing, “A WAY BETTER Goblincore Guide To Life”. They do that kind of thing. And it’s probably great; I’ll buy it, for one.
Me, I’ll just write. And, of course…I’ll work on being more like a Goblin.
Minus the ears.
Three Simple Goblincore Principles
- If it looks interesting, it probably is. Go look. Unless you’re actually supposed to be doing something with and/or for someone else, the only thing stopping you is that people might look at you like you’re weird. They’re probably not wrong, and who cares?
- If they don’t let you look, it must be REALLY interesting.
- If it’s boring, you have enough taste not to pretend it isn’t BOOOO-RING. And you have the graciousness to make sure EVERYONE AROUND YOU KNOWS IT’S BORING. You have to suffer in silence, it’s only polite. But you might want to prevent suffering in others. See how this simple statement accomplishes both? We promise, there are NO problems with this approach. Honest.
Would a Goblin trying to sell you something (ie, this book)….lie to you?
3.5 If a rule doesn’t seem to help anyone, it’s probably not that important.
If you like something, and you can have it without hurting anybody except maybe you, it’s all yours.
4.5 Pockets are for things you might want later.
- Curiosity is free. Use as much as you like.
- With this book, as with all things that are wholly yours, take with you whatever you want, and throw away whatever you want.
- If you co-own this book, as with all things that involve other sentients and are not unilateral, figure out what you want and what you’d prefer to throw away, and depending on your situation:
(a) Keep it to yourself.
(b) Discuss it with the others involved.
(c) Ask pretty please with sugar on top.
(d) Compromise.
(e) Set off nuclear weapons. If you don’t have those, then take some deep breaths, shrug, and get over it.
On Unpredictability
Think of it this way. You are technically capable of responding to the actions of yourself and others in any number of ways. However, you MIGHT make a line shorter by pouring a bucket of water on your head, but when you get to the head of the line (or even before then) the line-makers might decide you don’t deserve/aren’t a good fit for that line. Then you’ll have stood in line for something you wanted/needed, and gained nothing more than getting soaked (and possibly pneumonia, if it’s cold.) Whatever “total” randomness is, not only can’t we do it, but we really wouldn’t enjoy it.
Often, anyway.
Goblins ARE unpredictable, but that’s because we move in and out of lines and through, over, or under walls—physically and metaphorically. (To go back to the ‘standing in line’ analogy—you’re not REQUIRED to ask someone to hold your space, and they’re not required to say yes, but you probably need both of those things to happen if you want to actually get whatever you seek.) Being random and weird is fine, but the only way to do that and still maintain friends, alliances, business relationships, etc. is to try to be AWARE of those lines and have some idea what will happen if you cross/blur/destroy them. It doesn’t exactly hurt to have a good or useful reason, either. They don’t have to agree with you, but eventually you’ll be trying to sleep, and then you’ll have to face yourself.
From “Home & Habitat”
Your home should be comfortable for you, if possible.
Not necessarily pretty. Not necessarily like that of your neighbors, or people who work with you or whom you see on your Palantir.
Comfortable. If possible (we know it isn’t always. But when it is, rather than enjoying having some ability to alter your environment, people tend to worry about it. Which sort-of spoils the point of not living in a cell.)
Here are three Goblin tricks for fighting that feeling:
- Let go. You are free. It does matter if the plumbing is broken; but it doesn’t matter enough for you to care. Stop caring and get the plumbing fixed.
- Embrace. It sounds silly (thank you!) but make a game out of it. Plug doesn’t work? Okay, what’s the shortest bath you can take? Can you write a poem complaining about it?
- Go all Goblin on it. Try this technique—it’s useful for a lot of things, in fact. Ask yourself “What’s the worst plausible thing I could do here?” Then try doing the opposite, as best as you can make that fit the situation. It’s a weird technique, but if you practice it, it works.
Some of JPM’s best writing has been written while he was waiting for his interminably broken bathtub to fill.
A Great Goblin Hero Defeats A Dragon (excerpt)
Once upon a time, there was a Dragon who, of course, kidnapped a Princess. (A Human Princess; the relatively brief times Goblins have had kings, they’ve seldom had time to raise children AND retain their Kingship…)
A Great Reward was offered—not half the Kingdom, but a massive fortune in glittering metallic treasures…
There were three courageous brothers who went to face the Dragon. The Eldest got eaten; the middle one turned from the path and entered a monastery, and the youngest, and cleverest, tried to outsmart the Dragon, and also got eaten. Dragons are very, very smart.
So the King sent his bravest Knights. Each went forth and challenged the Dragon to single combat, and the Dragon ate very well…
Somehow, news of this eventually reached Goblinia, and Jacob the Goblin, who was okay with, but not fantastic at, smashing things with hammers, thought he’d take a swing at it. He spent a month planning, and another month making arrangements.
The Dragon saw him coming from many miles away (it’s hard to hide a pack train of mules carrying gold in plain sight…)
So he reached the Dragon’s cave only minimally molested. The Princess and the Dragon were both standing there, staring at him.
“What the Hel is this?” asked the Dragon.
“It’s a large fortune in gold,” explained the Goblin. “I got it from the Dwarves, after reading and signing a VERY long contract.”
“HOW did you get it?” asked the Princess, who was very practical.
“Oh, I took out a loan against the Reward. The Dwarves know that the King is good for the money.”
Both Dragon and Princess blinked. They stared at each other for a long moment.
…and so the Kingdom got its Princess back. The Royalty were a bit poorer—but not a whole lot poorer than they would have been if they’d hired the Princess a college worth of tutors… The Dragon was richer and had much more freedom… The Dwarves were richer and happy.
Technically, the Goblin came away with nothing but this story; but in reality, he never needed to pay for his own meals, his own drinks, or pretty much anything ever again…
Everyone lived way more happily ever after than anyone could plausibly have expected, and you can’t get much better than that.
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