From A Goblincore Guide To Life
*Or: You Should Be Enjoying Yourself More, Or At Least Learn How to Stop Making Things Harder Than They Need to Be, Start Collecting What Actually Matters, and Live Obviously Free in a World Full of Unnecessary Rules
Once there was a great source of wisdom. Chief among the sources of wisdom was that it contained a powerful incantation in big, friendly letters. That incantation was:
“DON’T PANIC.”
Its appeal is nearly universal because almost every species panics a lot. Not just surprise-panic, but the sort of panic which attaches itself to your smartest parts and tells you that you NEED to hold onto it.
Goblins don’t want to carry anything unnecessary; it’s not a FUN chore.
Ergo, when it comes to needing to lug around a bunch of panic, it’s easier if you DON’T.
Think about how things are. The universe is mostly dirt, water, rocks, and things that grow or squish when you step on them. Also, there’s a sky, but it’s raining; however, since it sometimes throws rain, snow, heat, and sometimes even romantic fill-in-the-dots pictures, it’s not THAT important. And all the rest is stuff people decided matters for some reason. We goblins don’t understand why anyone would invent so many lines, schedules, checklists, and little signs that say “do not touch”; how do we know if they really don’t want you to touch, or if touching is just REALLY GOOD and they want to keep it all FOR THEMSELVES.
Obviously standing in line makes more sense than a lot of other options. If you really like someone, you might wait around and shake their hand. Having 15 people trying to do this only works if they have fifteen hands. Or thirty, if you’re from one of those cultures which uses one hand for shaking and the other for important things like nose -picking.
Except what if THEY’RE bored with everyone waiting to shake their hand and they’re waiting for that ONE person to give them the thoughtful gift of a little baby sandworm and an almost-uneaten apple?
(You tested it to make sure it was fresh.)
This book isn’t here to teach you to break rules. What the heck is a ‘rule’? It isn’t here to teach you to break ANYTHING except, you know, stupid habits and mostly-metaphorical chains. Why should rules be more special than any breakable tool? Sometimes you really need the tool and take care of it. Sometimes the tool lets you down and you through it into Mount Dread Doom Bad No Go Stay Away (which is, admittedly, basically translated into Goblin as “LOTS OF FUN HERE”. Life is full of change and strange!
If the book suddenly starts talking about pinecones halfway through a sentence, that’s normal. (And if you start doing the same, ask them what’s wrong with their appreciation of the beauty of the Goblin nature.) As Eris saiys, Chaos happens. Embrace the chaos. Just realize that without some kind of order, not only is chaos meaningless, but you’ll never have any chance of organizing your closet.
Like. A closet with 14 white shirts and 4 Hawaiian shirts is potentially terrifying. A closet full of octopi is terrifying. Once. After that, you just shrug and stop expecting that Ma’at, Goddess of Order, exists in this reality, and kinda give up. Pass the Everclear?
But we digress.
Anyway, we love you.
Signed,
Ivan Didn’t Do It The VII
(A Goblin who is still not sure why you need permission slips for any of this)
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