When the Moon hits you, regardless of whether it resembles a food group, you are in trouble unless you happen to be Moon-sized, and that’s just the beginning of your problems.
We spoke to a noted group of astronomers, and they were unanimous in noting that, given the relative difference in mass, weight, and inertia, it doesn’t really matter what part of you is hit by the Moon; it will kill you.
(Unless perhaps it hits your toe; but if something as large as the Moon hits your toe and leaves you alive, breathless, and very, very aware of the nearness of death; but this is not pleasure for most people.)
We spoke to a noted group of drunken teenagers, who expressed that being hit was pizza was better than being attacked by telephone poles; we assume they had survived martian attacks.
Dean Martin, we therefore suggest, was clearly in the employ of the Flat Earthers who claim that we landed on the Moon.
Nothing he says should be trusted.
Also, when your eyes do some kind of shine relating to wine, please, please, do not drive.
We’re fine with gay tarantellas. They’re minimal competition.
WE THEREFORE SUGGEST THE FOLLOWING:
- Stay indoors.
- Do not order pizza.
- If you order pizza, do not let it hit it in your eye.
- If it does so like a big pizza pie, you’re dead.
- Try not to move a lot.
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This has been brought to you by that damn song being stuck in my damn head, dammit.
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