Did I stay up late one night thinking of pickup lines for Stone Golems?
….maybe. Maybe I did.
To be fair, you’d appreciate it, if you were a Stone Golem, or ran a Cement Mixer Singles Bar.
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“Want to come home and help me study for my archaeology exam?”
“This must be a museum because you’re a work of art.”
“Are you the seventh lower level of the Inner Hell of the Labyrinth of the Mad God? Because I feel like I could totally get lost in your eyes, if you had eyes.”
“Do you have a mirror? Because I could see the two of us together. And I’d like to do so rapidly, as I am fairly squishable.”
“God, I love the smell of gravel in the morning!”
“What say we re-arrange the alphabet and put the Forbidden Rune of AshKente on top of the Unspeakable Glyph of Torg?”
“Indeed. I, too, wish to rock this joint.”
“I wish to meet your beehive. Or if you do not have a beehive, I wish to know how you’re so darn sweet. If you’re not sweet, I would like a do-over.”
“Have you got levitation powers? Because when is saw you, my heart just lifted.”
“Did time just stop, or did you decide to freeze up and pretend to be a statue as soon as I came over?”
“What’s it like to be the most attractive stratum of quartz in this entire section of the cavern?”
“Are you made entirely out of an entirely solid material, or are you…no, actually, I think the answer to that one is obvious. Can I get a do-over?”
“Did they discover diamonds in the metamorphic segment of this cave system, or did you just smile and/or bite off the head of a passing Bard?”
“Were you created by an insane sorcerer? Because you have 117 crab arms and are hovering upside-down.”
“Your ancient, rotting, strange library full of forbidden words wrought by a race thousands of years passed from this plane…or mine?”
“Your hand looks heavy. Can I hold it for you? I brought a forklift.”
“Either there was an earthquake, or you just rocked my world…okay, I’ll show myself out.”
“You are almost too hot to handle. My compliments to your kiln.”
“Do you have a crush on me, or is that just your primary rotor limb flattening me against this boulder?”
“I think you may have just stolen my heart. Wise move. It’s a good first step on the journey to becoming a real boy.”
“How’d you like to get real close and make some gravel?” (sexy alternative):
“Let’s you and me get hot and heavy and generate some diamonds.”
“Let’s play hide and seek. You hide, and I’ll pretend that I’m unable to find a nine-foot-tall humanoid who weighs eight thousand pounds and is currently holding me suspended above her head.”
~Jeff Mach
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.
I write books. You should read them!
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