Once upon a time (but hopefully, for the sake of the Bard, not twice or more)…Once upon a time, there lived a Bard.
The Bard tried very hard not to be a Bard. She had attempted to become a Sorceress, but instead of reciting darkling spells of guttural speech in tongues not meant for human mouths, she had a tendency to sing “A Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All” and do a very sharp little two-step.
She attempted to be a Thief. But she never did get the idea that not every Adventurer’s job is a performance. To be perfectly honest, she was great with the picklocks and the pickpocketing and the whole rest of Thievery. But she never did get the hang of the part where, having accomplished the dramatic and impressive thievery, you don’t run back into the middle of the room and start taking bows.
She made a very reasonable effort to become a Warrior. She was pretty good at that, as well. So good that she…broke into song. Which was fine! For certain battles! But really, really put a damper on stealth. Also, it turns out that certain opponents are attracted to singing warriors. Did you know that Stone Golems have a tendency to break into jigs if you hit them with a 1-5-4 chord progression? And the less said about the Mermaids, the better.
She tried to become a Chef. She totally did, and then she even opened an excellent restaurant, then realized that would be of absolutely no avail while she was adventuring. She could slay Orcs or stay in the kitchen; but unless she invited a bunch of Orcs to the restaurant and then overcooked their meat, she could not do both.
So that one did succeed, technically speaking, but it didn’t do a whole lot to improve her career trajectory.
She worked at being a Druid for a while. She really liked the part where you sing to the trees, and the part where you sing to the birds, and the part where you sing to the giant disembodied mouth that is devouring the Forest and…
Finally, the Bard decided to stop denying her nature and become a Bard.
The next day, the Kingdom outlawed all musical performance and singing in general, and even the casting of spells which involved tonal changes. The Bard was left reciting poetry, at which, it turns out, she was worst of all.
So it goes.
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“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― There and Never, Ever Back Again
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