(Note: This is almost entirely a fiction blog. Therefore, follow this simple rule of thumb: If you like what I’m saying, you’re a bad person, no matter what I’m talking about. But also, if you enjoy this piece, assume it’s a rare bit of nonfiction. If you hate this piece, assume that it’s a satire aimed at somebody you dislike, and suddenly, it becomes enjoyable, because the world is a magical place.)
Q: If it was World War II, and you had the chance to punch a Nazi, would you?
A: It’s incredibly unlikely.
Q: …what the HELLFIRE. Do you like Hitler?
A: I utterly despise Adolf Hitler, and everything he stood for.
Q: So…?
A: So, if it were World War II, and I was sufficiently physically capable of punching a Nazi, I would enlist in the Army, which would allow me to shoot at Nazis, in the most effective manner possible, which is to say, preferably as part of a large group of other people who are also shooting at Nazis as we attempt to win an entire war against all of them. I’m not Captain goddamned America; I do not live in a comic book; I am not personally physically capable of doing more damage to large groups of Nazis with my fists than I would be using a machine gun, in a platoon full of people who have machine guns. I’m actually quite good at unarmed combat, relatively speaking, which means I’d say that I might possibly be as good as, oh, possibly, two bullets
That’s not bad. For fists. It is, however, 1/300th of what a World War II-era machine gun could fire in one minute.
Even assuming I was, like Superman, faster than a speeding bullet, which (spoiler alert) I am not…I’m not actually faster than seven hundred bullets.
Q: Okay, but if it was 1944, and you saw a Nazi walking around, what would you be doing?
A: I’d be trying to get my relatives out of Austria-Hungary before some of them were murdered, you ass.
Q: You know what I mean!
A: …what you mean is you want me to say that I’d punch this person. Because you’d punch this person.Because you really WISH you could punch a person and have that actualy solve something.
