WWII and the Punching Problem

(Note: This is almost entirely a fiction blog. Therefore, follow this simple rule of thumb: If you like what I’m saying, you’re a bad person, no matter what I’m talking about. But also, if you enjoy this piece, assume it’s a rare bit of nonfiction. If you hate this piece, assume that it’s a satire aimed at somebody you dislike, and suddenly, it becomes enjoyable, because the world is a magical place.)

Q: If it was World War II, and you had the chance to punch a Nazi, would you?

A: It’s incredibly unlikely.

Q: …what the HELLFIRE. Do you like Hitler?

A: I utterly despise Adolf Hitler, and everything he stood for.

Q: So…?

A: So, if it were World War II, and I was sufficiently physically capable of punching a Nazi, I would enlist in the Army, which would allow me to shoot at Nazis, in the most effective manner possible, which is to say, preferably as part of a large group of other people who are also shooting at Nazis as we attempt to win an entire war against all of them. I’m not Captain goddamned America; I do not live in a comic book; I am not personally physically capable of doing more damage to large groups of Nazis with my fists than I would be using a machine gun, in a platoon full of people who have machine guns. I’m actually quite good at unarmed combat, relatively speaking, which means I’d say that I might possibly be as good as, oh, possibly, two bullets

That’s not bad. For fists. It is, however, 1/300th of what a World War II-era machine gun could fire in one minute.

Even assuming I was, like Superman, faster than a speeding bullet, which (spoiler alert) I am not…I’m not actually faster than seven hundred bullets.

Q: Okay, but if it was 1944, and you saw a Nazi walking around, what would you be doing?

A: I’d be trying to get my relatives out of Austria-Hungary before some of them were murdered, you ass.

Q: You know what I mean!

A: …what you mean is you want me to say that I’d punch this person. Because you’d punch this person.Because you really WISH you could punch a person and have that actualy solve something.


Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.