For best results, please turn up the volume on this training video.
Hello, and welcome to your new and rewarding career as a Customer Service Antagonist at the Citadel of Eternal Darkness. We’re excited to have you as part of our predictably dysfunctional family of associated associates.
Over here are cheap imitations of The Big MacGuffin, on sale for eight copper pieces apiece. Please handle carefully; they do have a tendency to fall apart before patrons actually have a chance to leave the room.
And over here is the Actual MacGuffin itself. Adventurers are often dismayed to find it on sale here, especially after they’ve just finished the entire dungeon, used up charges in their magic items, died, etc. But, as we point out, you don’t need to go through the dungeon to stop by our gift shop! The MacGuffin costs about 2,000 gold pieces, or about as much as it takes to equip one adventurer to go through this dungeon once.
Here’s a memorial to all the Adventurers who had heart attacks in the MacGuffin section.
Now, while Adventurers are an important source of revenue, we should mention that most of them make single-time purchases, for obvious reasons. We therefore stock a full line of things most Dungeon Denizens need. For general supplies, various kinds of blood are stored next to the Snack Bar, and assorted cuts of Human, Dwarf, and Hobbit meat are in the refrigerated section. We’d like to note that, after the whole Warg’s Head food recall, we do NOT serve Elf meat.
And, of course, in our most popular section, over in the back, we’ve got soft drinks, hard cider, soft hard drinks, Absinthe, popcorn, chocolate-covered Tiefling ears, and score cards. Adventurer-watching continues to be the 4th-highest-rated show broadcasting in cursed mirrors throughout the land, and until the last Adventurer dies of dragonfire or sheer stupidity, someone’s got to sell snacks to the various monsters, cultists, and undead who get off on their pain.
Be sure to ask if they’d like to round their purchase up in order to make a donation to the Feed A Mind-Flayer Fund. There are Mind Flayers out there starving because they have nothing but Adventurer brains to eat. They deserve our help.
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