[Author’s Note:
This is a satire dealing with, NOT the illness which is happening as I write this, but rather, the strange corporate doublespeak which has suddenly filled my inbox, the weird messages from company after company, assuring me that, in this time of worldwide ailment, they care about human lives. I will be honest: I’m glad that they feel that way, but I sincerely find it way more creepy that they needed to write me and tell me about it.
So I thought I’d write my own corporate letter of reassurance, speaking as a Dark Lord.
I am a satirist; it’s not the only thing that I write, but it’s a large part of what
Even in the midst of deeply difficult times, I think it’s worthwhile to sit back and bear in mind that parts of the world are still as ridiculous as ever.]
To All The Members Of The Dark Lord Family Of Products:
We at the Dark Lord Journal, as industry leaders in the fields of death, darkness, doom, dessert, and destruction, would like to take a moment in these trying times to reaffirm our absolute dedication to the health, safety, and wellbeing of you, the consumer.
We’d like to let you know that we are monitoring the current situation with utmost seriousness. We have a total commitment from nearly the entire organization, from the lowliest Goblin, to the second-lowliest Goblin, as well as a few Orcs in middle management and that one guy in Marketing, to help ensure that we conform to the absolutely highest standards of hygiene and caution.
We are working in conjunction with governmental bodies, health authorities, fell beings from the Pit, and sanitation experts, to help make sure that your experiences with the Horrible Thing are as positive as possible. We realize that’s a weird thing to say, but it’s what every other company is saying about it, and we hardly want to be left behind in offering you the most advanced and up-to-date semi-caring-sounding drivel. Because we feel you deserve it, and/or other people apparently think this will comfort you.
We’ll be honest. The words within this notice are being writ in the secret tongue of Cahokia, inscribed in the distilled blood of the demoniac being which does some of our accounting, writ large in the Great Book of Venomous Mistruths, which is held aloft by the living lectern of three serpentine sisters, inscribed by the Faceless Mouth under the light of a dying sun. Eventually, we’re going to snap a picture of it with our phone and text that over to Marketing, who will add in a couple of buzzwords and then email the result to all the damned souls of Earth (if you think you still have a soul and have received this email in error, you’re wrong, sorry.)
As an entity devoted to evil, villainy, and all things antagonistic and misanthropic, The Dark Lord organization is utterly on the cutting-edge of making sure that we not only maintain our already high standards of intense, laser-focused customer care, now with even more solid dungeon walls and OSHA-compliant pit traps and collapsing ceilings. And we want to let you know that you can have complete and total confidence in us. We make you this solemn process:
There is absolutely no way in Hell that we’re going to let some kind of illness destroy Humanity before we can slay all of you ourselves. No way. No how. Not on my watch.
So we’d like to advise all of you to follow all due safety precautions. Please wash your hands frequently. Please cover your mouth with a tissue when you cough, or, if you do not have a tissue available, cough into your upper sleeve. Be sure not to touch the arcane symbols inscribed into hidden places within your home, office, favorite meeting places, etc. If you feel sick, stay home. If you feel possessed, please check with our offices to see if it’s an authorized demon, and, if not, let us know, and we’ll send over a team to eliminate the competition.
As always, you are our paramount concern. Without your destruction or enslavement, the absolute power to which we aspire would seem a little less satisfying. So please, take good care of yourself, until such time as we can take care of you in a horrifying and permanent manner.
Yours in commitment to vague promises and meaningless feel-good rhetoric,
The Dark Lord
(as told to Jeff Mach)
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.
I write books. You should read them!
I put on a convention for Villains every February.
I created a Figmental Circus. It’s happening this June. You should go!
