Such Sweet Blood: A Vampire Monologue

“And so, puny mortal, it was utterly foolhardy of you to come here. For your life is to mine as a single guttering candle, coughing itself out in the near-darkness of a windswept and creaking attic, compared to the unholy blaze of my own immortality.Now that I have removed your blood from your body, I shall tell you precisely…oh. Oh, it doesn’t really matter what I tell you now, does it? Igor! Igor! Come remove this…thing…and bring in the next one.

* * *

“Ahhh. And now you tremble, you tiny creature, as you see the stains upon the carpet, the carpet which I will have to have painstakingly cleaned, which will be very annoying…sorry, when you live in a place for a thousand years, you get really into proper maintenance. Anyway, as I was saying, it is good that you should know fear, for not only were you unable to harm me with your miserable weapons, you will find that your very life ebbs away as I continue to drink…ah. Ahhh. Erm. Was that really all the blood you had in you? Seriously? …Igor! Yes, take this one away, too. No, no, carry it, don’t drag it. It’s a little…messy.

* * *

“You see, humans feed upon kine, and Vampires feed upon humans. It is the natural order of things. Vampires possess a thirst which is simply insatiable. It takes iron discipline to contain the Beast within. I have spent many centuries perfecting the control which permits me to make the feeding process last, and…oh, good heavens. Do you have an iron deficiency or something? Because that was basically a snack, and you’re already…look, this was definitely not my fault. You should have had more legumes in your diet. Were you a vegetarian? That’s not an excuse; it’s perfectly possible to have sufficient nutrients and minerals even if you don’t eat meat, although…I suppose I’ll never know the answer, will I? Ah, well. Igor?”

* * *

“…when you have lived as long as I, you understand the value of being understood. For I have no peers; what two Vampires could live side-by-side and not be, quite literally, at each others’ throats? We are fierce beings, kept in check only by the aristocratic sophistication which we have cultivated over the course of centuries without end. Some speculate that, indeed, all true Vampiric lineages are of the old nobility; although our blood is not blue. No blood is blue. It’s all red. A sweet, sweet red, finer than any wine, finer than any…oh, this is ridiculous. I had a sip! Just the tiniest sip! In my defense, it was such sweet blood. In fact, is it entirely gone? …yes. Yes, it is. Igor?”

* * *

“And thus is that those who die from the kiss of a Vampire’s fangs do not, as is oft-believed, become what we are. There are certain protocols and certain rituals; and most of all, one cannot take every ounce of life-essence. Rather, a little vital fluid must remain within the victim, that we may infuse it with the magic and the curse which is our lot. This was known by the alchemists: blood calls to blood. And so you shall not perish; no, for I have grander and finer things in mind. Though part of me wishes to withdraw every ounce of plasma from your body, the rest of me is…is…is noticing that I already did that. Why? Why? What’s wrong with me? I mean, aside from the whole “cursed to live forever in eternal night while feeding off of human beings for survival, and also being poorly portrayed in terrible films about Van Helsing,” obviously. Right: Igor! Igor, where…oh, you were already here? …yes, I agree, there’s no hope for the carpet. Might as well burn it.”

* * *

“As Emergon says, to be great is to be misunderstood. There are three things every vampire craves: blood, understanding, and the Sun. we long for the Sun, but the moment we cast our eyes upon it, we burn. And we need blood; we can control the desire, but when the feeding frenzy is upon us, the animal within takes over. And as for understanding, true understanding, perhap it is not possible for one who is mortal to truly comprehend the life of a being such as myself. Perhaps it could never happen, no matter what I might try. And yet I believe that the Beast within can be tamed. Look at you and I; I haven’t even bitten you yet. I think I’ve finally conquered the frenzy which has characterized so many of my interactions with you. You don’t even seem to be afraid of me. In fact, now that I look at you closely, the reason I smell neither fear nor blood is because you are APPARENTLY A LIFE-SIZED DOLL WHICH IGOR PLACED IN MY STUDY TO SEE IF I WOULD NOTICE. Thanks, Igor. Hm? What? …yes, I suppose it is a nice new carpet. I suppose that is one way of keeping things preemptively clean.

“I fear you fools will never understand me. But that is merely the curse I must bear, and I shall bear it with all the wisdom and pride of my forever-haunted race.

“Igor, bring me a try of Bloody Marys and an Anne Rice novel, and let me know when the next idiot knocks, okay? And here, have one yourself. You’re looking a little pale. Got to keep your strength up, fellow; without you, who’d clean all the carpets?

~Jeff Mach

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Here’s my novel, “There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN“.

And here’s Evil Expo, the Convention for Villains.

Jeff Mach Written by:

“There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: Diary of a Dark Lord” is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. If you'd like to meet Jeff Mach, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, you should come to Jeff's new event, Evil Expo.

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