Some Fantasy Drinking Etiquette

On Drinking With Dwarves

Did you ever have that one friend who, after a couple of drinks, began hitting the karaoke machine real hard and singing nothing but songs about love fading, the one that got away, and how “I hope she’s happy, because one of us gotta be, and I guess the one who deserves it, I guess it just ain’t me”?

That’s Dwarves, only there’s no such thing as Karaoke in this Universe; just a table full of bass-singing enablers who, after about pint number three, will find a real deep note and start harmonizing about the only thing they really care about: the gold mine that got away.

Note that they are speaking entirely of literal gold mines. If you attempt to interject some sort of anthropomorphism into the proceedings and ask if they’re sad about some kind of sentient companionship, they will assume you are some kind of gold-hoarding Dragon and mayhem will ensue.

On Drinking With Puck

This is simply a great idea for anyone who loves a good story, or enjoys having their pockets emptied. It’s particularly useful if you’ve just given up drinking, because all you need to do is turn your head just a fraction of an inch away from your beverage, and Puck will drain your glass, order a new one on your tab, and drain that, too.

On Drinking With Werewolves

Werewolves, in direct contrast with Puck, will buy every damn round. (They will not, however, pay in silver coins under any circumstances.) They will, rather unfortunately, insist that you drink every round with them. This can lead to unfortunate consequences, of which death is, we can assure you, significantly the most pleasant.

On Drinking With Leviathan

Never try to out-drink a Leviathan. That would take more whiskey than can be held in all the Seven Seas. This, in turn, leaves the Seas completely dry, which is the prelude to ecological catastrophe.

On Drinking With Dark Lords

“Bartender, bring two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. Every couple of minutes, bring a new bottle of whiskey. You seem like a perfectly nice fellow, but I’m warning you now, if I don’t have a three-story stack of bottles by the time I leave here tonight, I’m going to transmogrify your blood to Everclear and consume you with a lime. Consider yourself warned.”

~Jeff Mach

The preceding essay was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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