Monster Manual Doggerel

Never say to a Drow, man,
“Don’t have a cow, man,”
Because the Spider Goddess
will web and consume
anything she wants and can.


I have the sort of heart that pulls
Towards crushes on tentacles.
But if you’re a giant, floating brain,
I’ll abstain.


Beauty’s in the eye of the Beholder,
assuming you think it’s pretty
not to get any older.

Hook Horror
You’ve got a hook?
I hope it’s a Captain,
or a boxing punch,
or for fishing,
but not a Horror –
or so I’m wishing.

Storm Giant

Tall as a tower,
and half as compliant,
Ill-tempered tempest:
The Storm Giant.

Red Dragon

No King ever raised a happy flagon
At the appearance of an attacking Dragon.
And the Red Ones are the worst:
The smoke would kill you,
if the fire didn’t do it first.


Mages for whom Death’s no impediment
A quest with them’s a fun event.
It’s easy to find their deadly lair
And forever, forever, forever stay moldering there.


Eels are bad. Electric ones are worse.
And those who can suck out your brain?
…I think they got everyone else first.


Kobolds are dangerous. Be watchful, son:
They’re addictive as potato chips.
Bet you can’t slay just one.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.