Monster Manual Doggerel

Drow

Never say to a Drow, man,
“Don’t have a cow, man,”
Because the Spider Goddess
will web and consume
(spidery digestion/spidery doom)
(be part of the thorax! There’s plenty of room!)
anything she wants,

and how, man.

Grell

I have the sort of heart that pulls
Towards crushes on tentacles.
But if you’re a giant, floating brain,
I’ll abstain.

Beholder

Beauty’s in the eye of the Beholder,
assuming you think it’s pretty
not to get any older.

Grue

There are no such things as Grue.

Hook Horror

You’ve got a hook?
I hope it’s a Captain,
or a boxing punch,
or for fishing,
but not a Horror –
or so I’m wishing.

Storm Giant

Tall as a tower,
and half as compliant,
Ill-tempered tempest:
The Storm Giant.

Red Dragon

No King ever raised a happy flagon
At the appearance of an angry Dragon.
And the Red Ones are the worst:
The smoke would kill you,
if the fire didn’t first.

Lich

Mages for whom Death’s no impediment?
A quest with them’s a fun event, a bit.
It’s easy to find their deadly lair
And forever, forever, forever lie moldering there.

Aboleth

Eels are bad. Electric ones are worse.
And those who can suck out your brain?
…I think they got everyone else first.

Kobold

Kobolds are dangerous. Be watchful, son:
They’re addictive as potato chips.
Bet you can’t slay just one.

_____

“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― Jeff Mach, There and Never, Ever Back Again

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Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.