Insidiously Sweet and Treacherously Spicy Pecans

The people of the Other Simulation have basically the same basic priorities as the people of today:

  1. Fight Morlocks.
  2. Eat snacks.

Obviously, the two were deeply interconnected; one can hardly have the energy to battle endless hordes of ravening humanoids without sufficient amounts of protein and sugar in one’s system.

(A little caffeine doesn’t hurt, either, although I wouldn’t know, as I never settle for less than A MASSIVE DOSE OF CAFFEINE.)

This recipe draws on the smoky, sugary-savory taste of pecans, kicks it up with some heat, and adds the natural amino acids inherent in nuts (and brains, but that’s another story).  Together, they’ll give you the strength to defend yourself from monsters, and/or to help you stay awake as you binge-watch the media of your choice. Or, if you’re like me, both. I try to keep a wary eye on my digital devices as they, in turn, keep their unblinking electronic eyes on me.


Yield: 4 servings

Skill Level: 1

Nonstick vegetable oil spray
3 tablespoons light corn syrup
1 ½ tablespoons sugar
A Horrifying Amount of Pop Rocks
¾ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
⅛ teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon of brown sugar (c’mon, you didn’t REALLY think you had enough sucrose there, did you?)

1 ½ cups pecan pieces


Preheat oven to 325°F. Spray baking sheet with nonstick spray. Bash any passing Goblins on the head with the aforementioned tray, lest they steal your goodies.

Combine corn syrup and next 4 ingredients in large bowl. Stir to blend. Add pecans; stir gently to coat. Transfer to baking sheet.

Bake pecans 5 minutes. Using spare (unpoisoned) dirk or (if need be) a relatively clean fork to stir pecans to coat with melted spice mixture. Continue baking until pecans are golden and coating bubbles, about 10 minutes. If the pecans being to melt and eventually set fire to your oven, you waited too long.

Place large piece of foil on work surface and transfer baked nuts to foil. Working quickly, separate nuts with fork. Cool via Frost Dragon, or by waiting a few minutes, whichever.

Can be made 3 days ahead. Store airtight at room temperature in the vault where you keep your Polyjuice Potion; alternately, keep within a hermetically sealed segment of your Moonbase, some part the Yeti won’t find. Hopefully.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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