To my Doggerel, i bid you welcome:
May it be as little fun to read as it was to write.
I did it purely for the money, of which there wasn’t any.
Bigby’s Interposing Hand
Is a spell our tavern hates
Since Bigby’s Interposing Hand
Is how I end most of my dates.
___
The Balrog (known as Durin’s Bane)
Is not as sweet as sugarcane.
And Gandalf will not speak his name
(It’s hard to think about one’s old flame*.)
* of Udûn, specifically.
___
But darling, my Neutrality is True
Same (I swear) as my love for you.
Sure, you’re Evil, but I find it hypnotic;
You’re very sexy when you’re Chaotic.
___
A sexy bra,
A sexy halter,
A sexy sacrifice
On my sexy Lovecraftian altar.
___
Once Elves and Orcs
Were just for dorks
Until our attitudes began to reflect
A more basic interpersonal respect.
I’m just kidding. We owe it all to the powerful “Hobbit Lobby”.
___
Deep in the Dwarven mine
Against the fast and slow rocks
Deep in the Dark, the endless Dark,
They’re busy playing Roblox.
__
You could date an Aboleth;
I’d rather smoke a lot of meth.
You could date a Flayer of Minds;
I’d rather suck on lemon rinds.
I guess you could date an Orc;
Be sure your hips have lots of torque.
__
Before you buy those Wedding Rings,
Draw from your Deck of Many Things
If it sucks out all your bones,
You’ll save lots of dough on precious stones.
___
A Wizard’s Staff has a knob at the end;
It’s also very hard to bend.
if you want to know how I know,
I’ll be hiding behind Jon Snow.
__
“It’s a little-known fact, but Unicorns are something like 20% paint, and their horns are stolen exclusively from endangered species.”
― There and Never, Ever Back Again
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