Dark Lord Wisdom

-When everything’s made to be broken, open a china shop and charge people a thousand dollars for three minutes with a sledgehammer.

-Technically, skateboarding is not a crime, although, due to some perversity of law, all reference to the criminality of skateboarding, or the lack thereof, IS a crime.

– I really like drunken Kung Fu. The difficulty is convincing your opponent to get drunk before she attacks you.

-As of now, The Magical Mystery Tour is refusing to take you away.

-On the other hand, if you do not take me down to Funky Town this instant, you shall know my wrath.

– If you haven’t maxed out your credit cards on buying my books, please do so now, before you can give in to the wasteful urge to simply blow the dough on something dumb, like food, clothing, or shelter.

-The fire of my heart burns like a mighty forge which has once again gotten double-dared into eating a fistful of wasabi.

-Every oak tree was once a nut that stood its ground until it was essentially completely decomposed by the soil around it and the pitiless ravages of time.

-Why not DAZZLE your customers with a STUNNING array of spotlights beamed right into their RETINAS?

-Brb. Taking the Hobbits to Isengard for some Orc-milk and cookies.

-This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world, so we hired her, and command her fiendish superpowers, and now, we want one hundred billion dollars, or it’s Atlantis-time for you.

-I Believe in a Thing Called Love, but with the proper amulets and countercharms, one can fight it off and still stand a very good chance of survival.( )

-Similarly, if you want to destroy my sweater, I’ll be confused, because that seems simultaneously needlessly unkind and also oddly specific.

-I really don’t understand how something can make me lose my remaining faith in Humanity. Since when do I HAVE any remaining faith in Humanity?

-It’s like Moore’s Law, but for stupidity.

-I assure you that when I tell you that you look scrumptious, my interests are purely culinary.

-Darling, I could have danced all night. Then I would have been late to work and fallen asleep at my job and gotten fired, and that would be terrible. So I think I’ll swear off the romance and get back to reading.

-If life has taught you anything, it’s that every once in a while, you need to look up from your phone, stare hard at whatever’s straight in front of you, and mutter softly but audibly, “There’s good eatin’ on one o’ those.”

-When life hands you an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters, make lemonade.

-Today’s eschatological conundrum is brought to you by Glibtor, the God of Not Being God Of Anything.


Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.