Ancient Alien Pickup Lines? Yes.
Somewhere in the cyclopean, sterile, uncaring cosmos, beings with heads like upside-down teacups and eyes that see in sixteen and a half dimensions are probably failing at flirting right now. They’ve got antigravity, faster-than-light travel, time travel, rush hour traffic, and probes that make earthlings blush, yet when it comes to saying “hello, I find your carbon-based form aesthetically pleasing,” they crash and burn just like the rest of us.
That’s where I come in. Over the years I’ve written pickup lines for vampires, liches, werewolves, dragons, drow priestesses, Mothman, the Jersey Devil, and even the occasional sentient gelatinous cube. But even though my entire life has been spent admiring the fine work of ancient extraterrestrials, I’ve never gone out and collected their best lines.
They’ve been waiting patiently in orbit. Until the past week, wherein I decided to buy a few drinks and write down a few of the best notes I could. What follows is a collection of pickup lines crafted for (or by) the classic “ancient aliens” archetype: the elongated-skulled, big-eyed, mysteriously robed visitors who allegedly built the pyramids, taught us agriculture, and still can’t figure out how to slide into DMs without sounding like a 4,000-year-old Reddit thread. Please use these. I give them to you free, even though I not only still have the hangover, my entire forehead continues to give off a disturbing blue light which makes it very difficult to sleep.
Not that I do a lot of sleeping, given the game I have now.
So here, have some Ancient Alien Pickup Lines.
“Ever drunk ice-purified triple-filtered vodka out of a radioactive crystal skull?”
“I hate to bother you, but weren’t you Miss Val Camonica in 6254 B.C.? I’d know that spacesuit helmet anywhere, even without the cave wallbehind you.”
“Actually, the entire mathematics of spatial relationships we used to align the Great Pyramid to within 0.05 of the cardinal points is very helpful indeed in winning at beer pong.”
“Look, I get it, you’re skeptical. But I personally directed the Dogon elders on how to draw Sirius B. Invisible companion star? Totally my idea. Fancy a drink to celebrate the binary system?”
“Why not come back to my place? I cook the best Atlantis coelacanth burger on eight continents.”
“I brag unto thee not. I was created four millennia ago by the Anunnaki to mine for gold, and now that they have left us, I fear I have no-one to whom to pass on my genetic perfection. Unless you’re free later this evening?”
“Hey, handsome. It took the Gods a single day and night to destroy Atlantis. Want to come by my place and see me do my Atlantis impression?
“Hey, my Captain left our wormhole open. Want to do a few shots, then buzz a bunch of Paranthropus Robustus and pretend to be Gods for a couple hours?”
“I can tell you’re uninterested in the same old pickup lines. How about some Nazca Lines? I realize that doesn’t make any sense, but the drinks are really expensive here, and I had to sell my spare antenna; I’m not myself tonight. Anyway, do you like Scotch?
“All I’m saying is, I was the inspiration for the Great Serpent Mound.”
“Why don’t we re-arrange the constellations, put Sirius A and B back in binary harmony, flood the planet again for old times’ sake, and then hit the nightclub like it’s the post-Flood afterparty and we’re all drunken sea snakes?”
“Is that an eighty-ton Easter Island Moa in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
“The mass telepathy we used to lift the 1650 tons of each of the stones of Baalbek’s Trilithon could maybe, on a very good day, lift my heart the way a single look at you does.
“I don’t want to get naughty on a first date, but I think I can let you in on a secret: we built the Antikythera Mechanism as a vibrator.”
“I was Akhenaten in a former life, but if I’d known the future existence of a goddess like you, I’d have have rejected the Venusians and their weird monotheism probably had a much longer-lasting legacy. Can I buy you a cherry Coke?”
“Much like the Piri Reis map, I think I can melt the cold of your heart until there are no icecaps at all.”
“Hey, some friends of mine and I are going to zoom our flying saucer over to Göbekli Tepe and carbon-backdate everything eleven thousand years. We plan to put in nothing but memes this time. You want to come?”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven, or were you picked up in a mercury-powered 7-story-high Vimana and flown to places known only to the Gods?
“Yes, my Paracas elongated skull is the second most interesting strangely-enlarged thing about me.”
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