When I started playing Dungeons & Dragons, I thought there was no need to make up so many (in my opinion) terribly weird monsters; I would have been happy just to have it be as traditional as possible. (Actually, I think trying to create a TTRPG that’s ‘as traditional as possible’ sounds rather like a lot of fun. Such a thing probably already exists, but I don’t know of it myself)…
…but I digress.
The Kuo-Toa seemed especially needlessly peculiar. Rather belatedly, I wonder if they’re a little bit related to Lovecraft’s Fish-Men.
And Mr. Gygax and co decided that these undersea beings needed a Goddess of their own. And thus…Blibdoolpoolp.
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And now, the ballad of Blibdoolpoolp
Whom you really wouldnn’t want to invite over for soup
(Especially if you were plannning on crab,
Unless you’ve an eye or two you hope she’ll nab.)
Blipdoolpoolp is Goddess of the Koa-Toa
Which makes it very hard to know her.
Like most Gods, she’s not without vanity
So she dislikes the fact that she’s born of insanity.
The Kuo-Toa, watery weird
Fear as much as they are feared
Their peculiar theocracy
Has never heard of heathen ‘Democracy’.
And Blipdoolpoolp, in watery doom,
In Undersea and under-gloom,
Her giant claws to clack and rend;
Her mind, which is nobody’s friend.
For this grim Goddess of crustaceans
Has hobbies beyond merely kicking Dalmatians.
This Dark Queen of underdark undersea
Doesn’t like you, and doesn’t like me…
And from what knowledge we obtain
She’s most certifiably insane
In fact, though she rules as though eternal
She’s barely even vernal:
The Kuo-Toa, watery scared
Felt vulnerable, open, bared
How were they made with no Gods of their own?
What seeds of watery worship sewn?
__
What the chances? What the odds?
The Kuo-Toa made their own Gods
Are they grateful? Not at all.
The Kuo-Toa’s Gods recall
That the Gods of most other races
(Around whom they barely show their faces)
Were made first, and subsequent
Their worshippers were built, and bent
To the causes of those august beings
(Subjects of prophecies and seeings)
And made to serve the specific cause
Of that being’s race, its souls and paws.
But the Kuo-Toa, terrified
Made their own Gods; and those Gods lied
Swearing they came from First Creation
When less than an epoch is their real station…
Hail to thee, Blipdoolpoolp!
Having you as Goddess is quite a coup.
What insanity will occur with your next design?
Lobster claws, tentacles, madness, brine.
~Jeff Mach
(While this is its own story, I feel like there’s likely to be more later…)
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.
I write books. You should read them!
