Always Blame the Bard

The little ditty below is not meant to cast aspersions upon the noble and ancient Bardic profession. It is well-known by all educated people that most Bards are among the most noble, the most honorable, the most trustworthy of souls to be found anywhere in this world.

It’s merely sheer coincidence, some peculiar quirk of fate, that neither you, nor I, nor anyone we know, has ever met one like that. Probably just our bad luck. We’re sure that the next Bard we meet will be as upright as they are in story and song.

Or at least, that’s what their stories and songs will tell us, eh?

Pour me another pint, friend, it’s going to be a long night.


Where lies the blame?
It isn’t hard:
Always blame it on the Bard.
If there’s a rule you can’t discard:
Always blame it on the Bard.

You might think that mayhem flows
From the deadly troll who boulder-throws,
Or from the Goblin, sneaking, sneaking,
Or the Pirate, havoc-wreaking,

Whose pretty, and don’t get battle-scarred?
Ten to one: It’s that damn Bard.
Why’s all our stuff thrown in the yard?
Always, always blame the Bard.

You might think that chaos reigns
On strange and demon-riven plains,
That if everything’s amiss
It’s some Wizard who did this.

But it’s almost his calling card –
Blame it, blame it, on the Bard.
Looking for trouble? Kindly regard
The lying face of that damn Bard.

If there’s a battle ‘tween Sword and Pen,
The Sword might win for now – but then
When the history’s recorded,
You’ll hear the Villain’s the one who sworded.

I tried to have faith. I tried hard.
But then I learned to blame the Bard.
When what you need’s criminal disregard,
Look no further than the Bard.


~Jeff Mach


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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