Almost In Praise Of Wine

I sing now the joys of the noble grape
(I don’t know what joys,
or who let them escape)
and I sing you the horrors
of Barley the Bully
(You need to avoid it,
to appreciate it fully.)

From the noble grape man maketh Wine
Which causeth the humors to all align;
A glass of the red keeps you farther from dead,
and the white wine is subtle and smooth.

From Beastly Barley, whiskey comes
And you and your liver will stop being chums.
Your liver (be assured) has nary a crotch
Which is good, because what would kick it
is Scotch.

Wine is for the sophisticate,
And Whiskey for the degenerate,
And therefore, if you are civilized
Whiskey should be hated, and wine should be prized.

Oh, sure, there whiskeys at whom no-one sneer;
They ain’t lyin’ when they say that contain angel’s tears
But those things are rare, and besides
That fire inside, which whiskey provides?

IT’S THE DEVIL’S FIRE. I tell you truth
Who else would kindle a flame so uncouth?
No, in every whiskey is fatal fault,
Especially if it’s single malt.

And so, to the grape, I sing every praise
Pile a dozen glasses on silver trays
And take an appreciative sip,
and never let your attention slip.

For if from wine your palate wanders,
You’ll likely need some first responders;
No-one drinketh spirits wild,
Leaving their mouths cruelly defiled,

Unless they’re monsters, whose great liking
Is blood-alcohol levels spiking.
Far better to be a sipper polite
Than bust your brain on a Saturday night.

In short, remain thou debonair,
And let the fruit of the vine’s scent fill the air,
And stay away from that 80 proof,
Which emblazons the mind and raiseth the roof.

Or, if I might put it a better way:
Far from strong drink you should stay.
You keep on lapping up that wine
And me and the whiskey? We’ll get along fine.

For if there’s any knowledge eternal
It’s this: all strong drink’s infernal
So for you, stay safe on the straight and narrow.
And bury my in whiskey ’til it fills my marrow,
And if whiskey’s madness must my soul harrow,
Then when I die, preserve me in it;
pour a distillery into my barrow.

Jeff Mach


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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