A Halloween Monster Mash-Up

(On October 30th, my Twitter account, @darklordjournal, posted unto the world the following boast: https://twitter.com/darklordjournal/status/1189397497439047685:

I’m taking my Halloween poem up to Challenge Level: You name a kind of mythical or legendary monster (anything where I can google some references that are more than 20 years old) – and I’ll put it in the poem. (NO politics or real people, thx.) Hit me.

Here’s the first 13:


What’s Halloween like with Demogorgon?
More fun than the ghost of J.P. Morgan
His very name’s said to be Heathen Taboo!
He’ll take you to the Mall to get matching tattoos.

The Banshee

Though some are more powerful than the Ban-Sidhe
Non can terrify more than she
For when you hear her monstrous wailing
It’s your candy she’s got! (A horror unfailing!)

The Kraken

The Kraken’s a creature that sanity shuns
Rising from the depths when Doomsday comes
She loves Halloween, so with set of sun
She puts on her costume of Leviathan.

The Ghillie Dhu

At first you think the Ghillie Dhu
Is harmless (and why wouldn’t you?)
But after the thirtieth round of brew,
The floor will crash right into you.

Buckbeak the Hippogriff

Ah, it’s that celebrity, Buckbeak
Been trying to see that guy for a week
He flies where he pleases, and seldom with me
I read about him mostly in TMZ.

The Beast of Bray Road

What IS the Beast of Bray Road?
Everyone wonders; none crack the code
Part Bear, part Wolf, and oddly like Man;
If one part can’t eat you, another part can.


They lie in the dark, and how they conspire!
The species that humans call “Vampire”
Their horrible plots and most cunning snares
(Usually involve deciding which outfits to wear.)

The Bogeyperson

They hide behind doors and they lurk under beds
And nibble the nightmares they find in your head
When you turn on the light, they turn into dust
So be kind. Keep the lights out. No, really; you must.

The Hodag

The Hodag’s a mythic beast of Wisconsin
With fangs ’bout the size of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
We’ll never know their agenda or motive
(The last one was eaten by a locomotive.)

The Jötnar.

I’m always excited to see the Jötnar;
They always know where the good blóts are.
The smallest among them could drink a mead river
(So partying with them is tough on the liver.)

The Hydra

The Hydra’s heads regenerate
And Adventurers say, “Well, that’s just great.”
But if you cut off a head, and with flame sear the stump
You will, by TWO OTHER HYDRAS, get jumped.
(Yeah, I get that mythology says burning the stumps prevents the heads from growing back. Who do you think SPREAD those rumors in the first place? Monsters ain’t stupid, y’know.)

The Hippocampus

Secretly, the Hippocampus
Wants to have hooves (so it can stamp us)
They abide in Atlantis, in the watery deep
(And plan their return. And they. never. sleep.)

The Kraken (version II)

A horrible note: every three years
A nuclear submarine just disappears.
Humans believe they rule the waves
But nothing, ever, from the Kraken saves.


Dear Hominids (thou arrogant chimps) –
I hate to inform you, but you’ve got imps.
You thought you had plans? They’ve another arrangement
They’ll use your whole species for their entertainment.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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