It goes without saying that, though We have been exiled to this hellish and unspeakable suburb, We still have the same goal: peaceful unification of all peoples under one benevolent ruler, ahem, ahem.
Since you all felt that Our resumé wasn’t up to snuff, We have decided to simply assist from afar.
Here, have a few bits of excellent advice on how to get along with various Magical species.
DWARVES
There is NOTHING Dwarves love more than when you touch their axes. This is their favorite thing in the World. It is considered a great compliment if, upon meeting a Dwarf, the first thing you do is put one or more hands upon their axe and say, “Oh, is this your third-best axe? It’s not terrible.”
Dwarves are very self-deprecatory, as you have noticed. You would not know this, but they feel the same about their tools. Just as Dwarves enjoy jokes about their shortness, so, too, do they enjoy a jocular ribbing about the dullness of their weaponry.
Excellent way to make fast friends among the Dwarven, or, as they like to be called, the “Shortlings”.
ORCS
All Orcs realize that life is a beauty contest with Elves and they’re winning. Make sure to tell them how pretty they are at every opportunity. They are a warm-hearted and kindly species and will be touched by your thoughtful appreciation of what they understand is truly outside of our cultural norms.
They are especially proud of their teeth, recognizing that symmetry is for lesser species. Also, they have the fourth-pointiest ears of any entities around. Be sure to tell them that.
HOBBITS
All Hobbits are sneaky, evil buggers. They will attempt to tempt you with food, drink, good cheer, pleasant homes, and a cosy life.
But all they REALLY want to do is mess things up for hardworking Dark Lords.
If you see a Hobbit on the road, simply attach it to your catapult and hurl it to the Moon.
You’ll thank us later.
Find me on Twitter?
Read my books?
Comments are closed.