Welcome to the definitive collection of insane wizard pickup lines—long, strange, reference-heavy come-ons written for magic-users who have spent too much time alone with their grimoires, their familiars, and the unquiet dead. These are not your ordinary “did it hurt when you fell from heaven” lines. These are the kind of pickup lines a sorcerer might actually attempt after three nights without sleep, a failed summoning, and a bottle of something that may or may not have been distilled from mandrake root. They draw on real occult history, full Latin phrases, genuine grimoires, and the particular flavor of 1970s excess that once produced both disco and some of the strangest conversational openers ever recorded. Use them at your own risk. The recipient may flee, propose marriage, or attempt to bind you in a circle of salt. All three outcomes are, in their own way, successes.
- “I have spent the last seventeen nights inscribing your true name in the margin of a copy of the Clavicula Salomonis, and while I will not claim that the spirits answered, I will note that three separate candles went out at the exact moment I finished the final letter. Nomen est omen, as the old books say. Shall we find out what happens if I speak it aloud?”
- “The medieval grimoires insist that one must approach the art of necromancy with a pure heart and a clear conscience. I have neither. What I do have is a moderately well-preserved femur that once belonged to a minor duke and a sudden, overwhelming desire to know what you sound like when you are trying not to laugh at something genuinely terrible.”
- “John Dee spent years talking to angels through a shew-stone. I have spent the last forty minutes trying to remember whether the correct opening phrase is Exurge Domine or simply ‘excuse me, your eyes are doing something extremely illegal to my circulatory system.’ I am prepared to attempt both.”
- “In the Picatrix there is a chapter on how to compel the affection of a person by means of planetary talismans and certain carefully chosen words. The instructions are extremely specific and involve a surprising amount of honey. I have the honey. I am less certain about the rest of the ritual, but I am willing to improvise if you are.”
- “Agrippa wrote that the magician must be free of all base desire before he can command the spirits. I have read that sentence many times. I am still here, which suggests either that Agrippa was wrong or that I am not, strictly speaking, a magician. Either way, I would like to buy you a drink and discuss the matter at length.”
- “The old formula is Adsit nobis gratia Dei. I have always preferred the shorter version: stay. Not forever. Just long enough for the candles to burn down and for me to finish explaining why the thing I summoned last Tuesday is still living in my coat closet and why it keeps asking about you.”
- “There is a 16th-century manuscript in the Bodleian that describes a method for binding a lover using only a strand of hair, a copper ring, and the Latin phrase Amor vincit omnia, sed non semper. I do not currently have the hair or the ring. I do, however, have the phrase, a strong interest in your continued presence, and a willingness to negotiate the remaining components.”
- “Crowley once said that every man and every woman is a star. He did not, to my knowledge, specify what one is supposed to do when one of those stars walks into a room and makes the rest of the universe look like a poorly illuminated tavern. I am open to suggestions.”
- “The Lemegeton is very clear that the spirits of the Goetia must be addressed with respect and exactitude. I am less clear on the proper form of address for someone who has just made me forget the entire contents of the 72nd spirit’s entry. If you have a preferred title, I am prepared to learn it.”
- “In the 1970s a man could walk up to a stranger and say ‘Baby, you must be a parking ticket because you’ve got fine written all over you’ and somehow survive the experience. I am attempting a similar feat with the line ‘You must be a particularly aggressive form of sympathetic magic, because I have not been able to stop thinking about you since I first saw your reflection in a scrying bowl three days ago.’ Results so far are mixed.”
- “The ancient formula for calling something forth from the dark is Venite, venite, et nolite tardare. I have said it many times to many things. This is the first time I have meant it in a way that does not require a circle of protection afterward.”
- “Paracelsus believed that the true philosopher could read the signatures of all things and thereby understand their essential nature. I have been staring at you for approximately four minutes and have reached the provisional conclusion that your essential nature involves excellent posture and an extremely dangerous smile. I would like to continue the research.”
- “There is a charm recorded in the Carmina Burana manuscripts that begins O Fortuna, velut luna, statu variabilis. I have never fully understood the second half. I do, however, understand the first half extremely well at the moment, and I would like to know whether you are willing to be the variable element.”
- “The old books say that a magician should never reveal his true name lightly. They are less specific about what to do when one has already forgotten the name of the person one is speaking to because one has become distracted by the way the light is catching the edge of their ear. I am Jeff. Or possibly something else. It is difficult to concentrate.”
- “In the Ars Notoria there are prayers meant to grant the speaker sudden and overwhelming eloquence. I have said several of them. The result is that I am now standing here, holding a drink I do not remember ordering, attempting to explain that I have spent the last six months learning the ”correct pronunciation of Tetragrammaton and would very much like to hear you say it, or any other word, at your earliest convenience.”
- “The 1970s produced many things. One of them was the pickup line ‘If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?’ I have updated it for contemporary use: If I told you that your presence is currently interfering with a carefully constructed ward I spent three weeks establishing, would you consider stepping slightly closer so I can determine the precise radius of the effect?”
- “Dee and Kelley recorded entire conversations with spirits in the Enochian language. I have recorded nothing of the sort. What I have recorded is a growing certainty that if I do not speak to you in the next thirty seconds I will have to explain to several unquiet entities why I spent the evening staring at a stranger instead of finishing the working I promised them. Your assistance in this matter would be appreciated.”
- “The formula is simple: Quod superius, sicut quod inferius. What is above is like what is below. At the moment, what is above is a ceiling that has seen better decades, and what is below is a floor I am not entirely confident will continue to support me if you keep looking at me like that. I am prepared to test the theory.”
- “There is a marginal note in one of my copies of the Heptameron that simply reads ‘do not attempt this while sober.’ I am not currently sober. I am also not currently attempting anything more ambitious than asking whether you would like to leave this room before whatever is currently trying to manifest in the corner succeeds. The two activities are not mutually exclusive.”
- “The final instruction in almost every serious grimoire is some variation of Ite in pace — go in peace. I have never been especially good at following the final instruction. If you are willing to ignore it with me for the next several hours, I will consider the entire evening a successful working.”
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Many of the folks who liked this also liked “The Dragon Place”, if you want to check it out.
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