I think the real reason Liches build horrifying underground lairs is pure social awkwardness.
1. Are you a phylactery? Because I’d hide you in the last place anyone would ever look and then spend the next six centuries making sure no one found you.
2. I’ve outlived three empires, two Chosen Ones, and one very persistent bard. You still managed to raise my Intelligence modifier.
3. Call me the Witch-king of Angmar if you want, but I’d rather be the one who gets to stay and watch the world end with you.
4. Most people meet a lich and immediately start rolling initiative. You’re the first one who made me want to roll for charisma instead.
5. I’ve got a library that contains every spell ever written and one empty shelf I was saving for something that felt permanent.
6. You can keep the crown, the throne, and the army of the damned. I’ll take the person who still laughs at my jokes after I’ve been dead for eight hundred years.
7. My soul is in a jar somewhere under a mountain. My attention, however, appears to have permanently relocated to wherever you are.
8. I’ve forgotten the names of half the gods who tried to kill me. I have not forgotten the way you said “hello.”
9. Other liches collect spellbooks. I’ve started collecting reasons to leave the crypt. You are currently reasons one through fourteen.
10. The last time someone tried to seduce me they brought a stake and a cleric. You brought better conversation. I know which one is rarer.
11. I once spent a century researching a spell that would let me feel warm again. Turns out I just needed you to walk into the room.
12. My phylactery is extremely well-hidden. My interest in you is not.
13. I’ve watched civilizations rise and fall. None of them had your particular talent for making an immortal undead feel slightly less immortal and slightly more alive.
14. Come back to my lair. I have tea that is older than most nations and a surprisingly comfortable chair that has never been used for anything
For even more brain stimulation, try my book, “I HATE Your Prophecy”involving adventurers
____
—
Enjoyed these?
There are more where they came from. The full collection of fantasy and sci-fi pickup lines (orcs, goblins, mermaids, dwarves, goblincore, and the rest) lives in one place—start here if you want the curated doors instead of the full archive.
If you want the occasional short email when something new goes up (and almost nothing else), you can join the mostly-infrequent writing list. Or support the ongoing chaos on Patreon (mostly free) or tip on Ko-fi if a particular line made you laugh.
You might also like: the original orc lines, the goblin ones, or any of the Dark Lord pieces that treat paperwork and eternal life with equal seriousness.
The archive does not care whether you start at the beginning or in the middle. Most of the people who stay simply keep walking.
_______
I would not be sad if you bought me a coffee.
Comments are closed.