What do Villains eat?
Same thing as you do! Mostly.
General Zignard insists on eating the same rations as his troops. Given that he has an entirely robot army, his troops all suck on megawatt electricity. This provides him no nutrition and brings him near death every time, which is why he so frequently tears off opponents’ limbs in battle and gnaws on them while he fights. Shhh—don’t tell him. He seems happy enough.
Doctor MegaDoom is still fighting that lawsuit with Doctor Doom, which he will not win. He has exhausted his resources and is eating cat food, but he seems fine with it.
Monsieur Momzer, the Rebel Rabbi, only eats Chinese food. We worry it might be a hate crime if we asked him why.
The Team of Carnivorous Evil are entirely vegan. They commit nighttime cat burglaries and then film TikTok videos of themselves eating gigantic amounts of what the camera disguises as utterly fake meat. They believe this will make them harder to track down, although having uploaded their driver’s licenses to a fake vegan cat-food site run by the CIA, one has been co-opted and the others follow her lead and only rob people the CIA doesn’t like—like me.
They’re still getting rich. Hard to criticize them.
Dr. Toast ate nothing but toast. He died within two weeks—no nutrients, very little protein, too much butter, and, worst of all, it’s very hard to get good rye bread in prison. So he did a few insane stunts to stay out of it, and it turns out you can’t avoid the Brooklyn Bridge by jumping off it and swimming.
Captain Omega eats only expensive Greek food at the same restaurant every day. One day several crimefighters came to arrest him. He invited them to dinner first, and while they were stuffed and in a food coma, casually walked out the front door. Never underestimate the power of souvlaki.
That One Werewolf eats regular human food when in human form. When he’s in wolf form… let’s merely note that you look like three steak dinners to him. And fear is like A.1. Sauce.
FutureMan only eats food from the far future. His time machine is broken, so he’s substituted lox and bagels.
Lord Shame only eats at the Cheesecake Factory, and he feels very bad about it.
Your cat eats your soul. You haven’t missed it? You didn’t know it was gone? I’m not surprised, somehow.
James Bond varies between Dover sole, scrambled eggs, and caviar. It’s true. Look it up.
Crazy Irving’s Catering Scam caters entire twenty-person meals in your basement, eats all of it, and leaves you all the cleaning. Damn him!
The Red Scare will eat half of whatever’s on your plate and give the rest to the State to foster the ideal of a classless society.
Mr. Capitalism will eat whatever’s on sale today, even if it’s cardboard, as long as he can make a profit on it.
Ms. Lovebomb has simple tastes—buy her a little steak, a little lobster, a little Taittinger, a bombe glacée, and if you finish all that, she’ll tell you that you’re amazing for two weeks, then ask you to join her cult. You might just as well. I’d murder for a kiss; wouldn’t you?
The Milkman is lactose intolerant. We’ve never asked what he eats.
The Giant Mantis eats the heads of her lovers after an evening of well-worth-it ecstasy. She just got matched with Ms. Lovebomb, who swiped left. This should be interesting.
________
You might enjoy The Mall Provider — Jeff Mach Writes
Or our free book – A Goblincore Guide To Life!
Comments are closed.