Hi there!
We’re Ancient Aliens. Along, possibly, with your God(s), we gave you most of the gifts you have now. Mathematics (don’t knock it, the building would fall over without proper calculations); how to grow grain; writing (and, of course, reading); the idea of law and attempts at finding ‘truth and justice; and apparently, a couple of the times when we had massive arial battles around your planet (sorry! We’re at peace with those guys now. We think)—we inspired your airships. In short, we gave you most of the basis of your civilization, and then we went away for a few millennia to play in the Intergalactic Bridge Championships. (We didn’t give you Bridge; most sentient races eventually evolve card games, sometimes out of divination cards, sometimes out of a deep desire to gamble money since you’re hopefully no longer gambling your life against meeting a sabretooth tiger on your walk home; you’re welcome. The game of Bridge is just parallel evolution that happens to almost all sentient beings, except Dwarves and Goblins for some reason. If you have any further questions, ask Ian Fleming.)
At any rate, we gave you your civilization, went away for a while, and now we’re back, and WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH IT?!?!
Oy.
Oy vey ist mir.
(Thank YOU for giving us Yiddish. Our swearing has deeply advanced.)
Yes, of course we’re generally against nuclear weapons. Not that we have an easy way for you to disarm now that you HAVE them. You can’t un-nuclear your knowledge without catastrophe. This is a problem which may solve itself, if you start nuking yourselves; but this is NOT why we gave you civilization, for the God(s)’ sake!
We gave you civilization so that we could come back to an intelligent, competent, well-run species which would make an excellent slave workforce back home.
But YOU guys? You take the cake. You’re TERRIBLE. We’re not going to give you a list of why. Most of you already believe that; you’re certain the world is going to Hell and either it’s hopeless, or YOU, suddenly, magically, are gifted with the True Solution, and if you follow it, you’re sure it will lead to good things.
We didn’t give you optimism, much less STUPID optimism.
It’s an entire planet of the Dunning-Kruger effect.
This is AWFUL!
We HATE all the chores we have to do. Walk the lions, cook the mutant asparagus, replenish the plutonium, do your part in our kung-fu fighting against the AI which are trying to take over our culture for our own good. Simple stuff. All we wanted was a smart, intelligent, helpful, docile race to be our servants for ever and ever until the end of time.
But LOOK at you. You’re NONE of those things; or at least, you usually aren’t most of those things, and it’s a sufficiently widespread disease that we are honestly worried our younglings will catch this magnificently icky overconfidence from you.
You’d make TERRIBLE slaves for aliens.
Good grief.
All right. We’re going to give you social media and go away for a few millennia.
That should help.
What a disappointment for our families and bosses when we return home without a cargo hold full of flash-frozen servants ready to wear the amusing costumes we prepared for you, and do our slightest bidding.
But YOU’D be just horrible at it.
We’re leaving.
Slave you later!
-The Ancient Aliens Who Created Everything And Stuff
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Because we try to make the post-notes a bit less about advertising and a bit more about “If you like this, read more”, we’ll keep doing that, BUT. You might enjoy The Villainpunk Cookbook: (“How To Cook Forty Humans”) eBook : Mach, Jeff, Monroe, Raven, Stivers, Kindle Store
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