Just in case you’re out of touch with modern culture’s love of the brooding Undead, we thought we at Dark Lord Enterprises would provide you this helpful list of things Vampires totally, totally, totally despise.
Trust us.
1. Garlic. ABSOLUTELY do they hate garlic. Why would creatures who enjoy something as savory as blood dislike garlic? THEY JUST DO, OKAY?
So if you hear that there are Vampires near you, the FIRST thing to do is stuff yourself with AS MUCH GARLIC AS POSSIBLE. This will keep you completely safe.
Of course, it will also make you very alone, as nobody will want to get near you. So if Vampires WERE after you, it would be dangerous. Except, you now…as we’ve mentioned….they HATE garlic. Totally.
2. Wooden stakes.
Oh, yeah. A stake through the heart will kill a Vampire.
A knife totally wouldn’t. A sword totally wouldn’t. DON’T BRING THOSE THINGS, YOU’LL ONLY BE UNPREPARED! What you need is an unwieldy piece of wood, not big enough for a club, sharp precisely only at the tip, so it’s not anywhere as useful as, say, a blade.
But if you stab a Vampire with one, we’ll vanish into dust. Honest.
We are TOTALLY NOT LAZY BASTARDS WHO DON’T WANT TO COLLECT FIRE FOR YOUR BARBECUE. And whoever started that rumor needs a stake through their heart.
3. Cut off their heads.
It IS true. This WILL kill a Vampire.
…I mean, so would dropping a piano on them, and that’s a bit more likely.
Let’s be real. Even if, say, you’re an actual practitioner of some sword martial art, how likely are you to have your sharpened sword (if you HAVE a sharpened sword; I have a second-degree black belt in Hom-Do and all I have are wooden swords)–the next time you meet a vampire.
Bullets won’t work. Trust us. All the literature says so. Don’t run them over with your car, which you possibly have near you; they’re immortal, right?
No, when you think about vampires, DEFINITELY think about the most difficult and impractical way of doing it.
For…good reasons.
4. Vampires are really good in bed. Perhaps you can seduce them to death?
Or maybe, just maybe, “Dracula” wasn’t written for the benefit of HUMANS.
We’re just saying.
5. Silver bullets the size of howitzer shells.
This isn’t in ANY Vampire books we’ve ever read, and if we ever meet an angry Vampire, it’s the strategy we’re going with first.
No offense to traditionalists.
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