January 16, 2026 / Jeff's Writing

Seven Things You Can Do To Make The Rise Of Cthulhu Slightly Less Pleasant For Him

Here now! It’s okay! It’s okay! You’re from that OTHER cult, aren’t you? The one that preaches that we should make ourselves as delicious as possible so that we’ll be mercifully eaten first?

Now THAT is just a losing attitude.

Is Humankind doomed?

Yes.

Will everything you have ever loved end in horror which is unspeakable but which, should you survive for even a few minutes, you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting it?

Oh, heck, yes.

But the point of RESISTING UNSTOPPABLE EVIL is the PRINCIPLE, not the practice. So. Seven things the Elder Gods hate.

7, Cover yourself in barbecue sauce. I know. I KNOW. You’ll hate it, too. But they REALLY despise barbecue sauce. They really hate the stuff. They may scrape you against a building or a tree to get it off you, which will, granted, be unpleasant; but trust me, they won’t enjoy you going down.

6. Eat a lot of Dr. Burnoriums 6,000,000 Scoville spice. It may kill you, but you’re about to die in pain anyway; and at least whatever eats you will regret it.

5. Stuff yourself with candy. First off, it’s your last chance. Second, what if the Elder God who eats you is diabetic and goes into sugar shock?

4. Do not pretend to be H.P. Lovecraft.

3. Really, don’t. Trust us on this one.

2. When Nyarlothotep arises from the dust of thirty centuries, get on his good side IMMEDIATELY by offering him one of those souvenir catalogs with cats suspended by their paws, the one that says “HANG IN THERE”/

  1. Spend your life learning to dematerialize. You won’t succeed (it takes about three lifetimes, and even with alchemy, you’ve got maybe 2.5) – but you’re pretty sure to get about halfway there. Cthulhu will be able to absorbe you into Himself without even opening his mouth. This will be a GREAT party trick and will put him in a wonderful mood. It won’t do YOU any good, but then again, what in the Universe possibly could?

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CategoriesJeff's Writing Lovecraft

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. He'd love for you to check out patreon.com/jeffmach for his favorite work (it's almost all free!) He's currently working on the Great Catskills Halloween Vendor Market and The Big Dark Lord Dwarf Novel. You can get his last novel, "I HATE YOUR Prophecy", or his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books of shortt fiction. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on X or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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