(For the #HowToBeOrc campaign by Orcgirl – and, of course, for anyone who enjoys l’amour vert.)
If you like romance with a little torque,
You might decide to date an Orc.
To find her, swipe not right nor left;
just wait until your skull is cleft.
Orc girls are not often lean.
They are many splendid shades of green.
They’re the first ones I would call
To bring me flowers, or smash down a wall.
I don’t care for hair of flax,
I want someone who can swing an axe.
My idea of a good first date:
A lovely meal, a witty debate,
An enemy village, mildly raided,
Our enemy’s skulls neatly paraded,
Perhaps a rose, or just some thorns,
Then victory dance ’til early morn.
I dated once a fellow Elven;
His heart was four degrees. Kelven.
Now, of course, your mileage will vary,
But if again I ever marry,
I’d look for someone who was mighty,
(Elves, I fear, are sometimes flighty),
Someone who liked little pleasures,
Like hewing down foes, and stealing their treasures.
(Now Elves are fine and Elves are grand;
My goal’s just that you understand:
Everyone loves Legolas
But not every being need look thus.)
All I’m saying, the world is vast,
There are many experiences to be amassed,
Some creatures are dainty, some are not,
Some have no muscles. Some have quite a lot.
It’s possible the one you crave
Might live in a castle. Or live in a cave.
But if you’re an Orc, let none cast shame,
Or say all beauty is the same.
To the joys of Orcs, I sing this ode:
Now let’s go make some enemies explode.
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order “I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.
