“The price of Magic is Magic.”
~Barbara Hambly
Are you tired of being a powerful Archmage?
Sick of doing all the thinking, and we do mean ALL the thinking, for absolutely everyone as your nigh-infinite powers permit you the ability to continue ruling that nation of mind-controlled slaves? You know, the ones who are really, really boring, but are sufficiently numerous to slay you if you say, “Oh, sorry, nevermind, please think for yourselves, trying to think thoughts that fit your tiny heads is giving me the skullache of a lifetime”?
Or, if you’re not currently that specifically visible as a maniacal tyrant, are you tired of sitting down to do a bit of research into one of your sorcerous hyperfixations, only to be interrupted (for the millionth time!) by a bunch off brave, stout-hearted, stupidly moralistic idiots who want a magic potion or an enchanted codpiece or whatever it is they think will help them solve this month’s Existential Threat to the Realm?
Why not become a Lich?
Why not shuffle this mortal coil, not exactly off, per se, but into a more rewarding direction, such as living forever as long as your assorted unholy magics can keep you alive?
Here are just a few of the benefits you’ll incur.
- You can replace all of your human servitors with books bound in human skin. Come on, what’s more interesting, your average boring, shuffling peasant who’s inscribed with nothing more exciting than a tattoo? Or the fascinating, carefully-tanned remnants of some annoying servant who, in life, was useful for perhaps fifty years, but whose flesh has spent the past three centuries usefully displaying the Mysteries of the Worm?
- Are you a little socially awkward? (No, of course you aren’t; you’ve just chosen a profession which involves studying obscure and almost-universally-unknown information, generally by yourself or with entirely mechanical and supernatural companionship by the merest and sheerest of unexpected accidents.) Well, this part just got a lot easier. Someone comes by, knocks on your door without warning, you just say “Come in!”, and the Amphiphtre will bite off their heads. (As many heads as they have; Amphiphtres are hungry.) When you have one of those enviable skull-faces, you are legally able to consider it sufficient warning that you don’t plan to observe social niceties, or most things with the word ‘nice’ in the title, except, perhaps, in the “Good Omens” sense.)
- It will be very, very, very hard to kill you without extremely powerful magic. And if they DO manage to kill you, the hundreds of leagues of desolation caused by the detonation of your personal volcano will almost certainly be named after you. “Marcia’s Ruin”, or “The Wasteland of Melvin”. Immortality!
- Being a Lich is an excellent way to meet other immortal beings such as Vampires, Mummies, and Demons. You’ll have plenty to talk about, like, “Why aren’t the young people as respectful as they were before the fall of Atlantis?”
- It’s entirely possible that you’ll live long enough to see a decent “Highlander” movie. Not likely, but possible. You can also play as much pool as you want, which is a much more achievable goal.
- It could be the first step to becoming a God. You’ve already worked with cosmic powers which drive most mortals to madness. Now it’s your moment to research what it would really take to take you, not simply beyond Death, but beyond Afterlife.
- It’s also a really good way to AVOID becoming a God. Despite that whole vast transversal mystic force thing, becoming a God brings you right back to that whole ‘being bothered by mortals all the time’ thing. Spending a few centuries with your library is a good way to figure out that the best thing humans can do for you is drop by very, very infrequently to reduce your Moat Monster food bills.
- Moat Monsters are, in fact, extremely sympathetic pets who happen to live an average of 27,000 years. They really, really warm up after that first hundred centuries or so. Before long, they won’t even be tearing off your major limbs with any of their really important teeth.
- You know that expression, “I’m going to live forever, or die trying”? Well, when you’re a Lich, you can do both.
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My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I write rather a lot of fantasy and science fiction, often (but not always) satire or a bit of dark humor. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order “I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.
