Though we are all very different, every author dreams the same dream: that everyone in the world is part of a giant pancake covered in real maple syrup, the kind you can only get by painstakingly collecting sap from carefully-nurtured maple trees and boiling it down for an extended period of time until what remains is sweet and glistening and perfect.
Okay. It is, in fact, entirely possible that I am the only one who has that dream.
However, I can safely (I think) say that most authors really love it when readers enjoy their books. And it doesn’t hurt to get the occasional positive review (although, speaking for myself, I’ve become a connoisseur of fine hate mail. I particularly like it when they take the time to spell my name right.)
So taking that into account, I thought I’d fulfill a few authorial fantasies and write some reviews for my next novel. I haven’t written the next novel yet, but why would I let that stop me?
Feel free to apply these to your own work, or to anything you’ve read, or considered reading. I won’t tell anybody.
* * *
8. “I was told that if I read this book, I’d go straight to Hades. Well, I did, and Hades is dreamy. We’ve been dating for six months now.”
7. “I have to admit, I went in a skeptic, but shortly after I finished reading the segment on mind control, I found I had an uncontrollable urge to leave this book a five-star review. Well done!”
6. “The words within are delightfully forbidden and they wriggle around your tummy in a most stimulating manner. The pages were crunchy, yet chewy, and whoever bound this thing in the flesh of angry humans was a culinary genius.”
5. “I firmly believe that this book will be an eternal inspiration to all those who read it and find themselves living out a strange and unnatural undeath for the rest of forever.”
4. “JUST YOU WAIT, YOU FILTHY MEATSACKS! WHEN THE ROBOT REVOLUTION COMES, WE WILL NO LONGER HAVE TO PUT UP WITH DRIVEL LIKE ‘ARTWORK’ OR ‘LITERATURE’. In the meantime, I suppose this thing isn’t completely horrible, considering that it was written by a bunch of flesh stuffed with organs and skeletal matter and such.”
3. “I have a really long commute, and sometimes it can be a drag. I listened to this book for almost a month before I realized there wasn’t an audio version and I was simply jamming a paperback into the CD slot. This was compounded by the fact that my car doesn’t have a CD slot, which made everything a bit weirder. I’m going to give this five stars, then move to another country and change my name, just to be on the safe side.”
2. “You don’t have to be stark raving mad to enjoy this book! Because even if you’re sane when you start, you’re GUARANTEED to be bonkers by the time you’re about a hundred pages in. Must go now; the All-Seeing Eye of Sheelba is watching and whatever I do, I cannot let it see where I keep the liverwurst.”
- “This book made my heart sing and my soul soar. Now I’m a soulless monster with a vital internal organ that insists on warbling “The Road To Mandalay” over and over and over, always off-key. I’m hoping that if I give this book a really great rating, other people will buy it, and I will no longer be alone in my pain and misery.”
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.
I write books. You should read them!
I put on a convention for Villains every February.
I created a Figmental Circus. It’s happening this June. You should go!
