With A Crash (from Absinthe Heroes, the Steampunk Rock Opera)

MAYOR (As NARRATOR): And we enter an age of deeply improved miracles–not the
old and tarnished miracles of the antediluvian times, messy with spider gods and oft-devoured
moons; not those long-gone miracles of flaming flora and pillars of sodium and highly
unfortunate prophecy–rather, miracles wrought by the hands of advanced primate specie!
Miracles of cold black iron and sweating copper pistons. We enter, one sunrise from now, a
better time. It is the day before the great Air-Race, sponsored by the Mayor of Thamestown,
glorious capital of Grand Britain!
What wonder, ceaseless wonder, is upon us this day! All is glorious, and no ill could ever
come to such fresh, clean-living people. Truly we are at the zenith of the Great Chain of Being!
“With A Crash, And A Bang, And Additional Crash!”
With a crash! and a bang! and another crash!
The future is upon us
It comes like a train
On tracks of mithril bright!
With a whir! and a click! and a hum! and a tick!
The better days arrive
We are harbingers
Of brightling delight!
My proudest day approaches; my eyes hold gentle tears
And I bless the wonders of the Modern Age
It is the eve of Fair-Day, and I feel millennial
Long shall tomorrow leap from History’s page
We are a simple people; we are good and honest souls
Home from a hard day, tea brewing in the kettle
A little national fervor; it’s excellent for the health
And, of course, an air race, via anti-gravity metal!

With a crash! and a bang! and another crash!…
I’ve roasted half to cooking in the mighty Serengeti
Seen a Sultan’s hareem through a golden telescope
I’ve held my breath beneath a ship to try to spot the Kraken
Sniffed snuff made from the strangest Oriental dope
Now I’m off to fly an airship for the renown of my nation
Whose flag will proudly wave about my head
I know my role in life, and I’ll take the pale man’s burden
The people do need circuses, as much as they need bread
With a crash! and a bang! and another crash!…
I have a simple duty, and I make my simple way
With oscillation, motion, and refraction
With thermo-electricity, and the motion of the moon
And forays into chemical reaction
I have a certain theory, and I’ve put it into plan
Inside a gallant captain’s vessel grand
I’d say he’s sure to win – but nothing’s really sure
Few things ever go quite as dreamed, or planned
With a crash! and a bang! and another crash!…

I’m just a simple and a humble chocolatier
An essentially trivial profession
I shall come armed with sweetmeats galore!
And give them away free to the procession
Once I was a scientist; but my calling true
Is making all the little children cheer
And I’m not the least bit sinister, nor strange in any way
If you’re seeking evil menace, I’m sure you won’t find it here.
With a crash! and a bang! and another crash!…

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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