Wit & Witlessness II

As I wend my path through the peculiar life of a monster, do you know how many people ask me, “Dark Lord, do you have a collection of some of your most fascinating wisdom?”

Absolutely none. None at all. Nobody. Zip, zero, zilch, zorkmid, bupkis, nada.

And so, here, by special total-lack-of-request, are some of my wisest sayings.


By royal decree, you are now the Evil Twin. Act accordingly.

“New Holocron. Who dis?

From Hell’s heart, I stab at…
…oh, who am I kidding? I wave excitedly and say, “Hey, the water’s great!”

Everything’s going to be all right. I mean, as long as you’re okay with being a monster.

Some days are good, some days are bad, some days you get eaten by wolves on the Connecticut turnpike and those are the best.

Did you know that for less than the price of a cup of coffee, you could get a slightly smaller cup of coffee?

FUN FACT: Just as Coke used to have real Cocaine, Frosted Lucky Charms used to be Magically Delicious because they contained the secrets of Magic. …but now, they’re comfortingly mundane. You’re welcome.

My political opinions are: It’s a nice day. The leaves are very pretty. I bet there will be a lovely Moon tonight. Perhaps I should become a Werewolf.

Look. Knowledge is power. Many of the most cost-effective means of generating power are argued to be bad for the environment. The current era is merely making the assumption that information probably creates greenhouse gasses, and must therefore be destroyed.

Okay, you got me. I don’t tweet to share my carefree and happy-go-lucky attitude with other beings. I do it solely for the big bucks.

If you know your basic magickal history, you’ll know that death spells are over 90% effective; the vast majority of those who’ve cast them have died.

Disinformation: The more you know, the less you know.

I believe that pain is the second-best teacher. I have no intention of telling anyone who the BEST teacher is; who needs the competition?

 Might I please have some fuel, some fire, and perhaps a side order of that which I desire, if it’s not inconvenient?

That is not dead which can eternal lie;
And by the smell of Nachos be awakened by.

Those who try to destroy the past are showing their contempt for the present and their hope of erasing the possibility of a future.

Silencing is the first tool of those who have nothing of their own to say.

In the future, to be highest on the food chain,
You need merely consume Zombie Brain.

People often ask me, “Dark Lord, is it true that nobody ever asks you anything?” And then I vanish.

Beware! For Toxic Certainty
Is stone, like a petrified tree.
It tells you the world must a certain way be;
But the truth is: it ain’t, necessarily.

What matter most is not the amount of years in your life, it’s the amount of sharp, deadly, unexpected, well-placed, pit traps which make sure that you can continue your life in the first place.

 It puts the lime in the coconut, or it gets the hose again.

I am a proud member of the Ancient Hermetic Order Of Pretending To Be An Ancient Hermetic Order.

In any battle ‘twixt Humans and Gods,
I’ll bet the farm on octopods.

“Sharpen your eyes, sharpen your arrowheads, and do what must be done.” ~Orc saying 

No matter what happens, remember that you are a valuable source of vitamins and minerals for the monster under your bed.

“No, uh… the Three of Swords LOOKS sad, but it’s happy. See, there are THREE times as many swords as in the Ace, so it’s BETTER. Honest.”

Those who do not learn from history are a blessing from the Dark Powers for those of us who DO learn from history and plan to eat the others for lunch.

 You may have flying monkeys; but I have a pack of angry geese.

 When I die, I wish to become one with the Earth in the most humble of ways. Say a few words, raise a glass to my memory, give me a simple funeral, and then build me a tasteful monument out of, say, Stonehenge.

There’s a lot more to Punk than just annoying other humans. There’s also annoying Martians and, sometimes, Venusians.

As always, Evil triumphs.


~Jeff Mach

The preceding essay was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, get I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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