Destroying The Universe

Friends, fellows, co-conspirators: If things are gloomy, don’t let the Universe get you down. Destroy it, instead.

I know what you’re thinking. It can be difficult to feel energized; but that’s exactly why you ought to harness the power of lightning to bring to life your army of revitalized, heavily-modified, graveyard-thieved corpses. Sure, that will only destroy all life on this planet as we know it, and that leaves a whole lot of Inner and Outer Space still intact; but go out there and do it. To the Universe, you may be the destroyer of just the sentient life of one World; but to that World, you are The End, Itself.

What about all that Knowledge We Were Not Meant To Know? Yeah, the normal approach is to work your way up, to find as many minor grimoires as possible whilst you search for something Necronomicon-level, or some tome of Vogon poetry, or somesuch, but what if, instead of slowly learning piece after piece of semi-unspeakable lore, you almost learn several pieces of it, bookmark all the most hideous stuff you can find, and stop before reaching the end of each one? And then, real fast, read all the last bits. It’ll take a little bit for the comprehension to sink in, and in that extra hour or so, you will achieve multiple critical masses of un-Knowledge, and who even knows how big a kaboom THAT will make?

Also, are you familiar with the Music of the Spheres, the celestial sound which is the symphony of the Universe, a harmony which transcends sound (which, after all, cannot travel in a vacuum anyway) and creates, as one united force, the melody of the Cosmos? There’s got to be a way to throw that just massively out of tune. I mean, I have been in a LOT of bands, and trust me, there are SO many ways that a tune can go awry. What if you manage to mis-sing the Lyrics of the Universe, whatever those are?

Think outside the box. What if you got a comet the size of the Universe out of some other Universe and hurled it at THIS Universe. I mean, granted, if you have that kind of power, destroying this Universe is pretty much nothing but spite, but honestly, I’m a Villainpunk; I’ll cheer for irrational displays of massively overpowered spitefulness any day of the week, including days that don’t exist, such as Melvinday, Pluterday, and Villainday.

The other day, my dentist said, “Come on, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if you started flossing.” Maybe she’s wrong. Maybe she’s VERY wrong and it would be the end of EVERY world.

I’d floss for that; wouldn’t you?

My point is, it doesn’t matter how you do it. No matter what your circumstances, no matter how much life gets you down, I have every faith that, someday, you will be able to tear apart the very fabric of this Reality, rend it into an infinite number of empty abysmal spaces, and destroy All That Is.

You can do it.

I have an infinite lack-of-faith in you, you glorious monster.

Keep going.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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