Wit and Witlessness

As I wend my path through the peculiar life of a monster, do you know how many people ask me, “Dark Lord, do you have a collection of some of your most fascinating wisdom?”

Absolutely none. None at all. Nobody. Zip, zero, zilch, zorkmid, bupkis, nada.

And so, here, by special total-lack-of-request, are some of my wisest sayings.

“Remember, the consequences of your actions will probably open a vast fissure underneath the sea, one so huge that it makes the sea which drank Atlantis look like a polite tippler in comparison. So whatever you’re doing, keep it up!”

“It’s no surprise to me: I am your own worst enemy.”


“It is said that Wednesdays were named after Wotin who, upon hearing those rumours, shook the rumour-mongers so hard that their skulls fell out of their skulls, which is no easy feat.”

“It’s no surprise to me: I am your own worst enemy.”

“I’m not an 900 year old vampire. I’m three 300 year-old vampires in a very large cloak.”

“To the world, you may be one person, but to the moat monsters, you’re dinner.”

“They put a stake through my heart,
and cut off my head,
and thought I was deceased.

They were half right.
They killed the man,
And so set free the Beast.”

“We apologize for any confusion. We’ll be returning you to your regularly scheduled chaos shortly.”

“I am proud to be a member of the United Organization of Disorganized Disunited People Who Don’t Get Along Long Enough To Even Decide On A Name For This Organization.”

“Remember, you can’t HYDRATE without HYDRA. This is why you summon mythological Grecian monsters every time you buy a bottle of water.”

“At least you’re not in that bleak and dismal timeline wherein MTV still exists but doesn’t play music videos anymore.”

“My evil alternative Universe self entered my apartment through portal technology, took one look at my facial hair, flipped through one of my books, said, ‘I’ll just show myself out now’, and disappeared.”

“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away. On the other hand, a team of well-trained, highly-coordinated horses might, by logical extension, give me significantly more trouble.”

“Despite popular opinion, you cannot beat titanic amounts of stupidity with equally titanic amounts of stupidity.”

“It has come to my attention that I have lost some followers through being offensive.


Now, time for me to get back to [insert horrible thing here].”

“What the heroes thought they were doing, of course, was defying Evil, for Evil can never truly see the world around it, lest it understand that Evil is forever doomed. This would be a very potent reason if it were backed by, say, facts, or historical evidence.”


~Jeff Mach


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction.. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, pre-order I HATE Your Prophecy“. It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.