Why You Should Make Yourself Delicious

When you think about the worst things which could possibly happen, you’ve got to admit it: being rapidly consumed by foul creatures hitherto unknown to Mankind except in horrific legend and myth…

….isn’t in the top ten.

It’s not in the top fifty.

Really, I could think of probably a hundred worse things that could happen to us.

I remain an optimist. (From the original Latin “Opti“, meaning “[his] eyes”, and the Greek “mistos”, meaning “…have been obscured by some sort of insanity; pity the poor fellow.”)  But I recognize that optimism is both rare and difficult in these trying times.

But I’m also a pragmatist. And this is my theory:

You can’t necessarily be prepared for the worst to happen. Because certain levels of “worse” are far beyond ‘preparation’ and way into the ‘I take it back, I’m ready to join the alternative-Universe version of myself which spends all of its time writing love sonnets to assorted flavors of Pop-Tarts!’ range.

But you CAN, potentially, PRE-EMPT some kinds of disaster with other, SLIGHTLY WORSE disasters.

So my humble suggestion is:

Drink plenty of fluids
Remember to breathe
Mumble prayers to the Great Old Ones in a speech that was never made for a human tongue
Wait an hour after meals before you swim
Scribble unholy runes on the nearest available surface(s)
Be impulsive and get that tattoo that says “I <3 Nyarlathotep”
Call home
Be One with the Force
Buy extra copies of The Necronomicon
and above all:

at all times, carry on yourselves a quantity of butter, garlic, sea salt, fresh-cracked pepper, a little honey, and some decorative sesame seeds.

Then, if the worst ACTUALLY happens, quickly remove all of their ingredients from their insulated bag (you’re not going to carry butter in your pocket, are you?) – rub them all over your body, and scream “CTHULHU, COME QUICK AND EAT US WHILE WE’RE STILL FRESH!”

Hopefully, it won’t come to that.

But it’s your civic duty to be prepared, at all times, to render yourself as yummy as inhumanly possible, so that we MIGHT just attract the Elder Things to consume us.

They are, by definition, not necessarily the lesser of the two evils, but at least being eaten is fairly quick.

Unless you get Azathoth, who chews his food VERY slowly.

But the odds of that are, like, one in thirteen.

So I wouldn’t even about it.

~Jeff Mach


 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

Comments are closed.