Are you looking for fun, intimacy, perhaps longterm companionship? For heaven’s sake, why?!? Quit! Give up now, while it’s not too late.
…but if you’re going to date someone, you might want to consider going Orc. Obviously, every Orc is a special and unique individual; they’re not all simply killing machines. For example, some of them are slightly better dressed killing machines. Some of them are killing machines with slightly longer fangs. Some of them are killing machines who haven’t eaten anyone you know. Hypothetically.
But for those of you unfamiliar with this particular side of interspecies dating (or for those Orcs who’ve not yet tried intraspecies dating) – we’d like to present you with some of our favorite things about your average Orc.
- They have their own war-axes. How many times have you been out on a date when, at the absolutely worst possible moment, you’ve been attacked by the walking dead, a roving tribe of owlbears, or aggressive multi-level marketers? It’s really inconvenient to have to improvise weapons out of lamps and bra straps; and damn, I hate shopping for a new bra. Orcs take those war-axes everywhere. So handy!
- They’re extremely open-minded. Part of this is a long history of having been persecuted for the way they look, or the way human history portrays them as bloodthirsty monsters, or, perhaps, the fact that they are bloodthirsty monsters. But you shouldn’t let little details like that worry you. If you’re looking to finally break the pattern and stop seeing judgemental jerks, you could do worse than to court an Orc.
- In fact, they’re more open-minded than almost anyone else, because it’s likely that their skulls have been cracked open at least a few times. As any Orc will tell you, Orc heads are very strong. This is a good thing, because Adventurers will probably breeze through their homes about once a month for the entire duration of an Orcish life. Orcs take a lot of damage, and a significant percentage of that is headshots. The resulting cranial cracking seldom does too much damage to the brain itself, but it does act a bit like trepanation in humans, leading the Orcs to moments of Zen-like calm and, sometimes, bouts of enlightenment. (Note: Trepanation is most frequently fatal in species with more fragile bone structures. Please do not drill a hole into your parietal lobe. It is unlikely to succeed, and also unnecessary: if you make the sensible choice of turning to Evil, we can assure you that Adventurers will gladly try to bash your extremities with blunt instruments.)
- Orc tribes throw some of the best weddings. Sure, that may not be a consideration for many of you. As a recently-divorced monster, I’m about as likely to want to remarry soon as I am to decide to feed parts of myself to my Moat Monsters in order to vary their diets. But I can also say that, if you’re seeking matrimony, you know that weddings are a huge hassle. They’re so expensive! It’s so hard to figure out what to wear! And there are so many arguments about where to seat everyone. Orc tribes feel that all longterm pair bondings, of any sort, strengthen the tribe. Their tradition is that the whole tribe is invited, and the tribal hunters, farmers, chefs, and eel-wranglers all vie to provide delicacies for the table. And they really do not care what you wear, as long as it includes armor. They’re very practical.
- Have you met humans? Me, too. It’s Orcs, Goblins, Trolls, Zombies, Demons, and Vampires for me now, thanks. (Hot tip: Beings whose dental equipment is made to rend the flesh of the living also tend to be excellent kissers. Which makes sense; if you’ve got, say, massive stone teeth like a troll, you have to learn how to be good with your mouth; otherwise, you could potentially bite yourself to death.) Having smooched a wide variety of monsters, I can tell you that the only way my lips are ever touching human flesh again is if it’s properly cooked.
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.
I write books. You should read them!
