November 10, 2020 / I assert reality

What Do Villainpunks Wear?

Villainpunk is a completely imaginary genre which, if it existed, would be made up of the sort of terrible people who would revel in fictional villainy, which would be much too enjoyable and is clearly cheating. Obviously, nobody would do such a thing; and if they did, they certainly wouldn’t dress up.

And yet, here we are.

What do Villainpunks Wear?

  • Anything they want. Carrying a disinto-blaster means you seldom have to quibble about the definition of Casual Friday.
  • The Unspeakable Chapeau. I would say more, but we really don’t talk about it.
  • Battle Armour.
  • Power Armour.
  • Accounting Armour.
  • Bracers of Really Annoying Your Foes, + 5
  • Long, flowing tresses made out of graceful crocodiles.
  • Horseshoes. Particularly if you’re Bad Horse.
  • Bright yellow packages, tied up with string.
  • Goggles, goggles, goggles, and goggles. Preferably worn over your second or third pair of eyes.
  • Top hats with teeth.
  • Skulls. Especially their own.
  • Plot armour.
  • Outfits made entirely out of old DC comics
  • Nothing, but we don’t talk about that.
  • A TARDIS. Yes, an entire TARDIS. Don’t ask about that one, either. Trust me on this one.
  • Wedding rings (not their own)
  • Sorting Hats.
  • Snorthing Hats.
  • Cavorting Hats.
  • A big tall conical hat covered in mystical symbols. (The word “Neckromanceur” is optional.
  • Tights. Unfortunately.
  • An ominous cloak, like darkness.
  • An ominous darkness, like a cloak.
  • Underoos.
  • Monocles.
  • Sharp, pointy things.
  • Sharp, pointless things.
  • An indefinable air of menace.
  • Well-tailored suits, freshly laundered and pressed, with tasteful but provocative bow ties.
  • Combat exoskeletons.
  • Dinosaur fur coats.
  • Everything in your closet. Don’t ask how they got it; just RUN!

 

~Jeff Mach

The preceding essay was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I write a lot of fantasy and science fiction. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order “I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

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Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.