Villainpunk is…(the sequel!)

One of the problems of creating an imaginary culture is that people wonder what the rules are. This is particularly challenging in a time when we are encouraged to trust our imaginations as never before, but also encouraged to imagine the worst possible scenarios at all times.

So if I were putting Villainpunk in a sentence, I’d say: If you must imagine the worst, then assume that it’ll be fun.

Everything below is just lies because, if you haven’t heard, I’m a Villain, and that’s what we do.

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Villainpunk is the answer. “AAAAAAAAAAGH!” was the question.

Villainpunk is when the Moon hits someone ELSE’S eye like a big pizza pie.

Villainpunk is like Goth, only with occasional explosions and more relaxed guidelines about eye makeup.

Villainpunk is escaping into the Asylum.

Villainpunk is losing at volleyball because you WILL. NOT. SERVE.

Villainpunk is robbing your own bank, just for the heck of it.

Villainpunk is who you are in the dark, and also, you’re the one who stole the Sun.

Villainpunk is a hypothetical substance formerly thought to be a volatile constituent of all combustible substances, released as flame in combustion. Or maybe that’s phlogiston; I can never tell the two apart.

Villainpunk puts the “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” into “catastrophe”.

Villainpunk can include the spooky and the horrifying, but it doesn’t have to. Don’t fear us because we’re scary; fear us because we’re about to sink Atlantis.

Villainpunk is playing with metaphorical matches and still managing to set things on fire.

Villainpunk shamelessly steals ideas that were unstealable because they were already free. By the way, you’re officially a Villainpunk now. Congratulations!

Villainpunk is hot.

Villainpunk: It’s what’s having you for dinner.

Hot funk, cool punk, even if it’s old junk, it’s still rock and roll to me. Right, you thought I was going to say “Villainpunk” there, didn’t you? So did I, to be honest.

Villainpunks make better lovers; the mysterious disappearance of the competition us purely a coincidence.

Villainpunk is the slightly-illicit lovechild of Boris, Natasha, and Snidely Whiplash. We don’t know how that’s possible, but there was probably gin involved.

Villainpunk is a lethal dose of an unreal thing which brings you back to life as a particularly potent demi-Lich.

Villainpunk is a game without frontiers, and a war on your fears.

Villainpunk contains 127 essential vitamins and minerals. Those who ask “Essential to WHAT?” are never seen again.

Villainpunk replaces existential uncertainty with gleeful existential threat.

Villainpunk looks great in a cape.

Villainpunk: You win…this time. And we win all the times that DON’T get made into books. Because none of our foes live to tell the tale.

~Jeff Mach

The preceding essay was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.


My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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