WE HAVE LISTENED! Many of you contacted us via carrier pigeon, eldest sons bent on revenge, or the fevered pitch of screams torn from human voices never intended to endure torment of this demonic monstrousness, to inform us that you would rather stop having one-third of your dreams divert you away from the arms of Morphius and slide you straight down the grease-slicked chute into the Sixteenth Nether Hell.
You can now opt out of this program easily. Simply send a ragtag group of rebellious adventurers directly into the dreaded Ebon Keep of Certain Doom, have them slay both the Two-Headed Dragon Of Both Penultimate And Ultimate Flame, and return here with the Ring That Slays All Who Touch It. We’ll take your name right off the list.
WASPS. Again, to clarify: If you are not allergic to wasps, you are automatically opted into our “wasp-enhanced nocturnes” programme, sponsored by a very popular pest control company whose name you won’t be hearing here, because you’re sure going to be hearing them again after you close your eyes and we’d hate to spoil the surprise! Where were we? Oh, right, automatically opted in, so your nighttime movearounds are extremely insectile-augmented.
SPECIAL OFFER JUST FOR YOU. We’ve decided we could use YOUR genes, yes, YOURS to create the next genetically enhanced supermodelsoldier! Please grind up your bones and mail them to us, and we promise to give your family and/or inheritors a substantial discount on their next three months of service.
BONUS CONTENT. We have just released 85,800 hours of bonus content. We haven’t checked what it is. But you’ll love it. Yes. You WILL love it.
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My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.
