The Uncannon Act

Hey! HEY! Step UP and step IN! You do NOT want to miss this!

You’ve heard of people being shot out of cannons? Perhaps you’ve even seen it—if not in person, in films, or perhaps cartoons?

Amateur hour, friends. Today, we’re going to do something far, far more difficult: we’re going to shoot someone out of a TOTAL LACK OF CANNON!

That’s right! This will be one to tell the gradprogeny about!

Picture it, if you will. The biggest 19th-century cannon you ever saw. The kind that would have won Napoleon, not just Waterloo, but every battle in history, because nobody with a time machine would have refused it to him.

Now imagine something much, much bigger. Something they wouldn’t allow into this venue, or into this timeline, for that matter.

Even THAT cannon is less exciting than this one, because this isn’t an imaginary artillery piece—that would be too easy. This is an artillery piece which never even touched the world of hypotheticals.

When it booms, it will be the sound of one hand clapping, and that one hand is five thousand feet long, prehensile, and made out of titanium.

When it sends the Cannoneer through the air, he’ll hit orbit in seconds flat,

Be pulled halfway ‘round the world in a long oblong

Before the remaining force pushes him straight out of the atmosphere,

But hopefully, he can hold his breath,

And on the other side, he’ll slip

Gracefully

Into another no-cannon-at-all

And blast him straight back at Earth;

Watch the stands!

He’ll likely grab your beer as he flies

About eight inches above your head, coming to a landing

On the roof of some other tent,

Sipping your beer;

Miraculous un-escapes

Are thirsty work.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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