Tonight’s little bit of doggerel is dedicated to the Mad Scientists of the world:
Famous Mad Scientists:
Xirdal Zephyrin, Dr. Moreau, Nikola Tesla, the second clone of Nikola Tesla, the fourth clone of Nikola Tesla, Dr. Julius No from Dr. No, Dr. Yes, Professor Maybe, Dr. Strangelove, Dr. Despayr, Cosmo and Nation McKinley, Dr. Emilio Lizardo, Robert Anton Wilson, Augustus Philo,Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,Jha’Dur,Professor Caractacus Potts, Agatha Heterodyne, Flipping Hades Terwilliger
Some Mad Scientist Traits:
Rule-bending. Rule-breaking. Rule-shattering. Obsession. Focus. Cunning. Genius. sometime impracticality. Curiosity. More curiosity. Possible deathwish.
Have you seen it? The making machine?
Bunches of dials, levers of every size,
vast arrays of switches and knobs,
buttons, wheels, touch-sensitive sensors…
Breathe here, raise a mountain! Trip over that,
and spit lycanthropy into being!
They hardly ever let us drive,
those robots who tend it.
What does this button do?
Hey! Quit pushin’,
y’oversized ambulatory blender,
I ain’t gonna–oops!
It was an accident!
Who needed dinosaurs anyway?
(It’s all a front.
Late at night,
while the robots cybersnog
in virtual free-fall,
we framboozle the alarms,
and have at the innards of the Thing.)
We gremlin deep,
drip hen’s teeth into the data ports,
input filk and crack cocaine,
and perform a mushroom deal.
“Light up!”” we tell that undefended brain,
and slight-of-hand it a Zen cigarette.
Does it work?
The robots haven’t noticed a thing, yet.
But they will.
But they will.
The preceding essay was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order “I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.