The Lilac Chateau

There are a few things you should know about this most charming of residences.

First, it contains no ghosts whatsoever. Honest.

Nor does it have any demons.

It’s totally not the place where visiting vampires, stopping by from assorted other places of residence, head to first, in their eternal search for appropriate throats.

In fact, you won’t be bitten by anything, particularly the werewolves under the beds. The chateau is kept very clean, which means that the werewolves spend most of their time avoiding vacuum cleaners and playing jazz in certain secluded clearings in the forest. You’ll be fine, even if there’s a full Moon.

And demons? Don’t be silly. Every Demon in existence is busy portraying an extra on some supernatural television show, because if there’s one thing a junior Devil enjoys, it’s a sense of dark irony, plus free sandwiches.

Let’s not even entertain the ridiculous notion that the closet is a portal to a dimension in which Humans would be regarded as food if the insatiable appetites of the Things therein ever paused in their endless hunger long enough to think of anything as NOT being food.

There’s definitely not a cursed honeymooning couple who return every 19 years to complain, in excruciating detail, about each others’ bathing/dining/working/marital habits. And IF THERE WAS, this surely wouldn’t be the 57th year since they last showed up.

The beds won’t eat you. Stop. Just stop. That’s ridiculous. And the beds are very comfortable. Plus, in their defense, you are DELICIOUS.

This is actually one of the most comfortable places on Earth. Granted, the doorway is actually a portal to another dimension, so it’s not technically on Earoth. But the space aliens who devised the portal so that they could trap and consume yummy humans went out for a cigarette like three years ago and haven’t been seen since. We suspect that they skipped town in order to avoid making some payments on their flying saucer.

So relax and enjoy yourself. It’s time for a little relaxation. And might we recommend covering yourself in a light garlic-butter sauce? Everyone knows that’s good for decreasing your stress levels and increasing your production of serotonin.

Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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