What ails you, my darlings?
Do you have bilious humours?
Do you have the misfortune of knowing what “humours” are?
Has your doctor, who is clearly a fool, proselytized against the dangers of good, modern, 19th century medicine, like arsenic wafers and cocaine?
We have something that is precisely the tonic for that which ails you, the semi-universal solvent, I mean, er, oops, panacea.
Yes! Consider: My friends, do you feel sad, tired, oddly happy, listless, bored, boring, vague, brillig, slithy, ill-tempered, centennial, heliotropic, opalescent, obsequious, purple, Hobbitlike, or otherwise devoid of the most precious of gifts – raving and delusional vivid waking dreams ? Worry not!
We have the cure for all your troubles; the end to all distress! We have Absinthe!
Yes! It’s got herbs in it, and therefore, you can be sure it’s good for you. There are certainly no herbs which cause harm, and if there were, we would have already lobbied the House of Lords to rule that everything bad for you is good for you, because we know upon which side our bread is buttered (it’s the side that always points downwards.)
O bibs! O fortuna! O rapture!
Yes, The Green Fairy is well-known to promote healthy lungs (even better than smoking!), better eyesight, more hirsute shoulders, little tentacles growing out of your skull, more attractive elbows, and the ability to do “The Robot” in any major dance-oriented situation.
Surely you don’t want to be left out of this critical innovation in the health sciences, and be forced to die a rapid and unfortunate death of old age at 21, eh?
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Head down and drink your daily allotment of absinthe! Your doctor will thank you! Your bartender will thank you! And your hallucinations will thank you!
The preceding essay was brought to you by Dark Lords For Azathoth, and may not necessarily reflect the views of the being who wrote, edited, posted, and marketed this document.
My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities and create things. Every year, I put on Evil Expo, the Greatest Place in the World to be a Villain. I also write a lot of fantasy and science fiction. You can get most of my books right here. Go ahead, order “I HATE Your Prophecy“ It may make you into a bad person, but I can live with that.