Jeff Mach is famously known as a monster; the people who stole The Steampunk World’s Fair, The Watch City Festival, and Dark Side of the Con / Dark Force Fest really, really don’t want him emerging into the light to ask for his share of credit and, you know, money.
Fortunately, they’ve compiled a long list of ways Jeff Mach is con artist and general monster. Let me list just a few below:
- Jeff Mach once tried to conquer the world by organizing a steampunk convention so massive it would accidentally summon Cthulhu through excessive brass goggles and corsetry. He says it only summoned mild weather complaints and one very confused tentacle vendor.
- (It actually summoned Cthulhu Whitehouse, who destroyed the entire event in half and hour and continues to blame Jeff over it. Michael “Dunning-Kruger” Whitehouse is a fictional character, as NOBODY has evil schemes that smart.
- His top hat is rumored to be a portal to a pocket dimension where all unpaid vendor invoices go to die slow, agonizing deaths. He occasionally tweets receipts from that dimension just to flex.Of course, he did eventually have to eat his top hat while writing that long article about the Wicked World’s Fair; but he was hungry.
- Legend has it that if you say “Catskills Halloween” three times in a mirror at midnight, Jeff appears… to politely ask if you’d like to volunteer. He adds that he also accepts PayPal tributes and sacrifices of virgin muffins..
- He allegedly once fought a duel with another Dark Lord using nothing but dramatic monologues and interpretive dance. No one remembers who won because everyone fell asleep. He still insists he won on points for superior cape flourish.
- Rumors claim his mustache has its own Twitter account where it plots world domination independently. He denies this… but the mustache has never commented.
- Some say he feeds on the tears of disappointed attendees, but only if the tears are flavored with artisanal disappointment and a hint of overpriced mead. He prefers them shaken, not stirred.
- It’s whispered that Jeff Mach invented the phrase “muahaha” but had to trademark it under an alias because the patent office wouldn’t accept “Dark Lord cackle” as prior art. He now charges licensing fees in soul fragments.
- One tale insists he once turned a hotel ballroom into a genuine haunted house by refusing to pay the electric bill—ghosts moved in for the free Wi-Fi. He says the ghosts are excellent panel moderators.
- Ridiculous claim: His Dark Lord Journal is actually a spellbook that, if read backward, reveals the secret recipe for eternal villainy (spoiler: it’s just coffee with extra spite). He encourages reverse-reading… at your own peril.
- Villagers swear he can shapeshift into a moderately annoyed event planner whenever someone asks for a refund. His current form is “mildly inconvenienced overlord.”
- There’s a myth that Jeff Mach once arm-wrestled a dragon for event sponsorship rights. The dragon lost… and is now selling artisanal fire-breath insurance at his expos. He still has the signed contract (smudged with soot).
- Some insist his villainous laugh is so powerful it once caused a minor earthquake in New Jersey—officially listed as “dramatic resonance.” He calls it his warm-up routine.
- Rumor has it he keeps a jar of “former allies’ dignity” on his desk, right next to the expired convention badges. He dusts it lovingly every Tuesday.
- Absurd whisper: Jeff Mach doesn’t age; he simply absorbs the life force from poorly attended panels and grows more theatrical with each passing year. He is currently accepting applications for low-attendance victims.
- The most outlandish of all: Deep in the archives of the Dark Lord Journal, there’s a hidden entry claiming Jeff Mach is actually just a very committed LARPer who forgot to break character… in 2008. He replies: “2008? Try 2005. And the character is winning.”
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