The Goats

Now that you’ve made it across the bridge perfectly safely and with every bit of your sanity fully intact, you can wander around our goat area! Feel free to take a good look around. The foliage is so rich and lush, it’s as if some outside force was directing it to grow and thrive, like it was waiting for the day when the age of Man will fall and the great megafauna shall, once again, obtain dominion. Also, trees are pretty.

Obviously, the most distinctive thing about this area is the goat pen, where the goats have the rest of the world locked outside their small but impregnable domain. Let’s visit!

Some might argue that it is goats, not dogs, who are man’s best friend. It is likely that your species—sorry, I meant our species—domesticated them before the dog. Long has their wool provided warmth, their milk provided nutrition, and their horns are absolutely essential for inscribing the boards of baneful bone which drive the doomed destiny of the driftless damned. In other words, goats are your friends! And they often display this friendship in a traditional manner, by eating your car keys. What jokers they are!

Our darkest goat is named “Pepper”. We also had a very white goat named “Salt”, but we never, ever talk about him. It’s said that Salt and Pepper were together all the time, as if they shared a single soul.

One day, Pepper got tired of sharing.

And that’s all we’ll say about that.

You might admire the handsome little house we built for our little caprine friends here. Most people don’t know this, but goats, like chimpanzees and raptors, are natural cage-breakers. We kept making the fences higher and deeper, and those mischievous little critters kept finding new ways out! It was just hilarious. You’d be walking down from the Pub sometime, and suddenly, out of the inky night, there’d be two jet-black orbs staring at you, unblinking, as if they could pierce your skin straight down to your heart and read your every desire, your every misdeed, your every single sin.

So we built them a house to give them more reason to stay inside.

And it worked.


Jeff Mach Written by:

Jeff Mach is an author, playwright, event creator, and certified Villain. You can always pick up his bestselling first novel, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN"—or, indeed, his increasingly large selection of other peculiar books. If you'd like to talk more to Jeff, or if you're simply a Monstrous Creature yourself, stop by @darklordjournal on Twitter, or The Dark Lord Journal on Facebook.

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